The unseeing Titan

[Mystery fan]

This is my very first fanfic. I would appreciate constructive feedback. The titans don't appear for the first part of the story, but they will show up trust me! Well, here it goes!


Chapter one:

In The still darkness of the night she waits.
Ears atuned to the slightest of sounds, nose reading the story the cold winds bring with them.
Pepperoni mingles with perfume and the echo of banners flapping tell her what she needs to know, she is on top of the Museum of ancient antiquities.

Why her query had chosen to come here she did not know, but he would be there, all she had to do was wait.
Her ears perk as the screech of a cat from the alley below shatters the stillness of the night.
Alley cats did not get spooked over nothing, that could mean only one thing. Slowing her breath she listens intently for the soft sounds of padding feet that would be her query.
She had but to wait for a few moments.
As she listened intently she was not disappointed.
The soft sound of padded feet hurrying across the roof was her cue to move.
Slowly, stealthfully, like a cat uncurling from a nap, she uncurls her body. Moving into a crouch she silently eases her way closer to where the padding feet had stopped, somewhere near the museums massive skylight.
Closer and closer she crawls, inching her way along, every sense on alert, pinpointing the location of her prey when suddenly she catches a wiff of cologne.
Freezing in place she waits, her query, still unaware of her presence, fishes in a bag for a few tools.
Moving even more quietly, like a cat she manuvers herself into a crouch position.
Gathering her legs under her, every muscle tightening, she prepares to strick!

Unaware that he is being stalked Jason Helwitt dashes quickly to the skylight and gazes down into the grand hall of jump cities museum of ancient antiquities.
He had been sent, once again, to pick up an item for his boss Alexander. "Sent" as if he were some kind of messanger boy.
The muscles in Jasons jaw tighten as do his hands, turning them into fists. How he hated being used like this!
Once the son of respected martial arts instructors he was now the unwilling lacky of an evil man.
Jason's hands turn white at the knuckles as he fights back the urge to punch something.
He would have told Alexander where to shove his offer except for one thing, his sister.
Jason's shoulders slump at the thought of his little sister.
Memories of the last four years flash through his mind as he gentle places a hand on the glass.
His parents had been wonderful people!
It was so unfair that they had died!
At the time Jason had been preparing to go off to college.
His parents death changed everything.
He had to get a job so that he could take care of his 11 year old sister.
He hadn't regreted it.
He loved his sister, and she was the only family that Jason had.
When Jason had found a job working for Alexanders shipping company he thought that it had been a great find.
That was until his boss discovered just how good Jason was at martial arts. Some how word got back to Alexander who offered Jason a chance to do some work for him on the illegal side of things.
Jason had refused at once but Alexander wouldn't let him leave.
He explained to Jason that if he did not accept it would be his sister who suffered the consequences.
Jason would have done anything to protect his sister.
Heaving a deep sigh Jason reaches into his bag for his glass cutter and a suction cup.
Securing the suction cup to the glass he begins cutting a large circle out of the glass when he is suddenly knocked flying.
Twisting around Jason lands in a crouching position facing the spot where he had just been.
Standing there, lighted by the street lights stands a lone femenine figuire. Dressed in a skin tight black body suit, a thin black mask covering her eyes, she made a rather impressive sight.
The jaw was set and the mouth drawn tight, but Jason knew instantly who it was.
It was his sister Teresa!

[Aquagirl15]

oh good. but post in paragraphs. it is very surunched together and hard to read. other than that i give you an A+ for a great begining.

oh and FIRST TIME BEING THE FIRST POSTER YAY!!!!!

[oneeyemonkeypie]

****! I HATE YOU! ARGHHH!

I was gonna be the first post here, but my mom called me up to do dishes. Well, dammit! I should be the first poster!


ARHGGHGHHHGHGHH!


Ok, now that that's outta my system, this is a very interesting story. But I must warn you, present tense is good for very very short stories and poetry, anything lengthly in it ofter becomes tedious. I'm sure you can write it, just be sure it doesn's become annoying.

However, this is excellently written and the detail is superb.


I give you 37 stars. (But I won't tell you outta how many )

[Raven37]

Very good. I can tell this story will be interesting. I agree with Reid, you have excellent detail. Post more and we'll will read it!


-Raven37

[Starrysky]

Hhmmmmmmm......interesting, keep on writing...I want to see where this is headed. Good luck! And may writer's block never plauge you! (unlike me... )

I agree! Paragraphs are very good.

I giveing you 70 out of _ _ stars.

[Crowgirl]

Originally Posted by oneeyemonkeypie

I give you 37 stars. (But I won't tell you outta how many )

Now now Reid, that's not very nice.

37 stars out of 30. That was a great beginning, although it was hard to read due to the paragraph shortage. Just next time post in paragraphs, and it'll be 40 out of 30 stars.

Crowgirl

[T.T.Raven4]

Originally Posted by Crowgirl

37 stars out of 30. That was a great beginning, although it was hard to read due to the paragraph shortage. Just next time post in paragraphs, and it'll be 40 out of 30 stars.

That says it all.

[Lord Welshi]

This looks promising. A good start, a nice level of detail, paragraphs would be nice. Keep writing.

Lord Welshi

[Kregor8]

I agree with Reid about the present tense. That was the first thing that struck me. Other than that, it's a nice little chapter. The sibling tension is going to be interesting.
If you used paragraphs, it would look like more and be easier to follow. And everybody always says this, so if you don't you'll just have a million people tell you that. Also, beware of posting fluff. I can guarentee you, it isn't nice, and it's usually newbies who fall into it.
Reid, control your temper. You get 1st post all the time, and it doesn't even matter. Whoever writes the story gets first post. And I got first and second post on mine. Bwah-hah-hah-ha!
Back to the story. I don't think it's bad that you haven't introduced the Titans yet. Take your time. I have a prologue on my story that has nothing to do with the Titans, and I'm already 6 chapters (somewhere around 15,000 words total) and I still only have Raven and Cyborg. And trust me, the others are comming. So take your time. It's always worth it.

7<regor

[rrarbecy]

I can't believe you actually count your words.

[Mystery fan]

Thanks for great feed back guys! I'm glad you liked it! I'm new to this whole posting thing so I'm not quiet sure on how to make this thing post in paragraphs. I tried to last time and it came up all mushed together. I'll try something else this time and see if that works. I'm also drawing a blank on the whole present tense thing, if you could give me some examples of what your talking about I would be greatful! In the meantime though, here's some more story!


Chapter 2:

Stunned beyond belief jason stands up and slowly walks over to his sister.
"Teresa! What in sam hill are you doing here? You're supposed to be in bed! Why I.." his scolding is cut short by the appearance of teresa's metal staff, pionted directly in his face. With strained and measured words Teresa says,
"I believe dear brother the real question is what are you doing here? But of coarse we both know the answer to that one!" Jason looked away, her words stinging like a wasp. How he wished that he could make her understand. But Jason knew his sister all to well. If he told her that Alexander was the one behind this she wouldn't stop until she had either stopped Alexander or else gotten herself killed. No, he couldn't tell her. "Listen Teresa, it's not like that, it's just that I don't have a choice."
"You always have a choice!"
"Not this time!"
"What!" Teresa couldn't believe what she was hearing. This, her brother, the one who gave up college to take care of her, the one who had always told her it was never o.k. to commit crimes or to be dishonest, he was telling her that he didn't have a choice! This just couldn't be happening. And his voice! He sounded almost sad, and pleading. What was he hiding from her?
Unfortunately Teresa wasn't going to get the opportunity to ask him for at that very moment who should arrive but the Teen titans.
Seeing the five figuires coming straight for them Jason begins to panic.
"Oh Shoot!" Grabbing Teresa's hand he yells, "Run!" Teresa and Jason take off running along the roof tops trying desparately to keep ahead of the Titans. They were not succeeding. Teresa knew that they would never be able to out run the teen titans. She had to think fast.
"Jason! I'll distract them and then meet you at home!"
Not believeing what his sister was thinking of doing Jason hollers back,
"Are you nuts? You can't take them all on by yourself?"
"I'll be fine! Now go!" Slowing her pace just slightly Teresa climbs a set of crates and waits for the first Titan to pass beneath. Knwing full well his sisters abilities Jason continues on, determined to circle back once he had shaken them off his trail, just in case she needed his help.
Listening intently Teresa doesn't have to wait long for a titan to reach the crates. the first one is starfire. Intent on reaching Jason Starfire is oblivious to the presence of teresa on top of the crates. Teresa listens as Starfire gets closer. 'just a little farther, there' Leaping out and onto Starfires back Teresa delivers her a quick blow to the head with her staff and then flips off of her narrowly missing a blast from cyborg. Landing in a crouch teresa catches the distinct whistle of a large object flying through the air. Moving to the side she does a spinning kick and knocks the flying crate into beast boy who had been in mid leap having morphed into a tiger.
Knowing that she now has their attention Teresa speeds off back towards the museum. Running, dogding, and flipping trying to avoid the many blasts form cyborg and the now recovered Starfire Teresa leaps onto the roof top next to that of the museum and dogdes a blow from Robin who had been right on her heels. Bringing her staff into play Teresa and Robin begin batteling it out on roof. As the others arrive waht they see causes them to stop for a moment and watch. This mysterious girl was holding her own against Robin, but was even more amazing was the fact that her fighting style was almost identical to that of Robins. Cyborg, curious, takes a moment to scan her, what he finds shocks him.
In the one moment that everyone takes to watch, Teresa slams Robin into the brick wall of the building adjoining the one they are on, stunning him. With a twist of the wrist Teresa's staff suddenly grows points. The others seeing this move to help Robin but freeze in their tracks when she calls out, "Stay right where you are. Robin holds very still,knowing that as fast as this girl was, if she wanted too she could kill him before any of them would even have the chance to move.
Knowing that the next move was her's Teresa makes an attempt to reason with Robin, even though she knows it probably won't work.
"Listen, we're not the criminals that you think we are!"
In a rather mocking voice Robin replies, "Oh! right you were just the window washers!"
"A little irratated by Robins reply Teresa continues.
"Look, if you and your friends will just stay out of tis the situation will be resolved shortly. Just stay out of it!"
Robins eyes narrow as he asks in a challenging voice,"And if we don't?"
Leaning in closer to Robins face Teresa whispers with deadly seriousness,
"Than I will have to play Zeus to your titans!"
With that said Teresa leaps away from Robin and over the edge of the building. The Titans rush over and gaze down into the dark alley below. There was no sign of her anywhere. Beast boy, looking down asks the question that was on everyones mind, "Man, who was that girl?"
Robin replies, "I don't know. But we are going to find out!"

[Aquagirl15]

that was really good. a lot eaiser to read too. looks like you've harnessed the present tence thing pretty well too. write more soon!!

[starburn1116]

that was really great

what did cyborg find out
you forgot to tell us
or did you...?

you asked for an example of present tense and past tense thing

Present tense: tells the story as if it is happening rightat that very moment. Example:Jason looks at his sister.

Past tense: tells the story as if it happened in the past.
Example: Jason looked at his sister.
most stories use past tense and ithink what reid is saying is that it might get hard to tell your story with present tense
i might be wrong though

[rrarbecy]

sweeeeeeeeet. I love this.

[oneeyemonkeypie]

@starburn1116: not necessarily, if he (she?) is good at writing in the present tense, it will certainly make it unique.

and Rrarbecy, its called word count. you know, in microsoft word?

[Rae]

This is a good story and you do seem to be able to use the present tense well *Gives evil jealous glare*

Just one last little pointer, very little. Some of your punctuation was a bit off, only some!

But not enough for me to go on and on and on about!

Back to the praise, you've got a good plot started here and i can't wait to see what you do with it!

P.S. please don't hate me for my small, insignifiacant piece of critisism. Please!

[rrarbecy]

Originally Posted by oneeyemonkeypie

@starburn1116: not necessarily, if he (she?) is good at writing in the present tense, it will certainly make it unique.

and Rrarbecy, its called word count. you know, in microsoft word?

Actually I don't. I never use that partic.... oh. It just occured to me. Okay, I know what you mean.

[Sproxie]

Much easier to read than last time, great job! post soon!

[starburn1116]

Originally Posted by oneeyemonkeypie

@starburn1116: not necessarily, if he (she?) is good at writing in the present tense, it will certainly make it unique.

oh
like i said i could have been wrong
and reid feel free to leave off the numbers or even call me tre
it is in my...
oh right i took that off
have to fix that

[Mystery fan]

Thank you guys so much for your feed back! I'm so glad that you like my story so far!! I was so nervous that no one would like it! I purposefully did not tell what it was that Cyborg discovered. I'm saving it for later! I don't have anything more to post right now, but I will soon. I'm just putting the final touches on the next section. I should be posting in the next couple of days. Oh, and punctuation was never my strong suit in english, though I will try and work on it!

( They like me! They really like me!! )