The Disney Adventures Archive, Part 2

[J. B. Warner]

Argh! Avast, ye festerin' barnacles! September the 19th be National Talk Like a Pirate Day, and what better way t' celebrate the finest of holidays than with August 2006, the Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest issue? Fairly warned be ye, says I!


Johnny Depp: rocking the guyliner since before it was cool. Take that, Panic! At The Disco.


While I won't deny that texters can be very illiterate people, I can admit that I've never known any who literally misspelled every word in every sentence. Nor did they capitalize letters at random.


No, despite what it may look like, this was not a sequel to Antz. It's just Warner Bros.' attempt to hop on the "skewing the story just enough to make it not look like a Pixar knockoff" bandwagon.


"It's BBQ time, and you need some mixes to keep the party pumping!" Yeah, put these on during your Labor Day cookout and see how many people go stampeding for the driveway.
A Devo cover band? A kids' Devo cover band?! Really? I gotta say, I'm glad this one never caught on.


Note to Hollywood: CGI motion capture is creepy. Stop doing it. Kthnxbai.


"RRRRRAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!"


Nice to see Cthuhlu branching out into family films.


Were kids really clamoring for more Brother Bear? This must have been around the time when John Lasseter put his foot down and said "Guys, seriously, knock it off with the cheapquels." (I was still kinda hoping for Black Cauldron 2: Gurgi to the Rescue. No I wasn't.)


So when he was a kid, Jack Sparrow was 2-D from the Gorillaz?


If you pick up this issue, you'll notice it's surprisingly heavy for one printed this late in the magazine's run. That's 'cause it contains a 32-page insert from Nintendo, promoting everything "Pokémon". In addition to the Mystery Dungeon games, the anime was about to start its ninth season, significant for being the first one on Cartoon Network instead of Kids' WB. And Diamond and Pearl were less than a year away, which caused the whole Pokémon phenomenon to explode all over again with a new generation. This **** be cyclical, yo.


To be a trainer, you have to understand the rules, know your limitations, and above all, you have to love your Pokémon. Or you could hack a level 100 shiny Deoxys, it's up to you, really.


I know it has a lot of company in that regard, but that might just be the worst pun ever associated with "Pokémon". That's right up there with "Maybe we should call Team Rocket... 'Team Shocket'!" HAHAHAHAkillme.


DA presents a handy guide to pirate speak. Amazingly, they overlooked "Savvy".


I know everybody brings this up about Barnyard, but it bears repeating - Otis shouldn't have udders. And he shouldn't get drunk on milk, either. That's at least three different kinds of wrong.


Technomania gained its own comic around this time, and it's one of the dumbest comics Disney Adventures has ever published. This is like the kind of strip that someone who's never played a video game in their life would write. (Yeah, "like" that.)


Behold, the Worst "Kim Possible" Comic Ever Printed. DA started cramming these half-page ads into the Comic Zone around this time, and thus, the other half of the page got these crappy space-filler comics cobbled together from stock art. I think it was written by the same robot that writes "Archie".


It's been a long time since DA actually had a two-part comic, but this "Gorilla Gorilla" entry apparently demanded two issues' worth of space. Lizard finds a meteorite and keeps it as a pet, then more meteorites fall to earth and make a big giant evil rock monster. You'd think this has the makings of excitement. That's because you haven't read part two.


Remember Galaxy Quest? Yeah, this isn't even in the same ballpark. It's a superhero comedy for kids, and it stars Tim Allen. People actually ran for the exit so fast, they left people-shaped holes in the door.

[Martianinvader]

Man, the standard for cool has sure plummeted.

To be a trainer, you have to understand the rules, know your limitations, and above all, you have to love your Pokémon. Or you could hack a level 100 shiny Deoxys, it's up to you, really.

This may be the funniest and truest thing you've ever said.

[Funky Al]

Originally Posted by J. B. Warner

Behold, the Worst "Kim Possible" Comic Ever Printed. DA started cramming these half-page ads into the Comic Zone around this time, and thus, the other half of the page got these crappy space-filler comics cobbled together from stock art. I think it was written by the same robot that writes "Archie".

[

Comics Curmudgeon reference FTW!
Zoom is one of the most forgettable movies I have ever seen. There was a UFO going to Wendy's, and the climax had a tornado that turned the evil guy good, and there was some half-assed scientific explanation for it and...a robot?
It weren't no good.

[Zorak Masaki]

Ah yes, i remember the summer of 06 well:
"Well, we can either see the CGI film about ants, or the CGI film about monsters, or the CGI film about farm animals, so many choices!"
(though i thought Monster House was actually a very enjoyable film, definitely the best of that bunch, and i'd say even better than Cars)

[J. B. Warner]

Well, I'm in a crappy mood. I just lost an eBay auction that would have completed my collection if I hadn't been outbid in the last two seconds. So I'll ask again...

Does ANYBODY have October 2000, November 2000, and December 2000? I swear, I've been trying for almost ten months to get these issues - they're practically impossible for me to get my hands on. I'll pay any price. (Within reason.)

[puck]

Hey JB ~

Funny, I just jumped on here to track down this thread! I was going to see about helping you with DA issues after my little project was complete. I bought issues in bulk, as well as dug up my old collection. I was going to offer you whatever I had that you still needed. It sounds like you made quick progress over the last few months!

I did a cursory look through the piles (which I had previously organized) and I do have the Nov 2000 issue. It's the "Special Collector's Issue" for their 10th Anniversary and even has the Jungle Book trading cards/bookmark still intact. It's yours if you need it.

Was there a December 2000? My 2000 set was from my personal collection and I just have a "Winter 2000."

[J. B. Warner]

Originally Posted by puck

I did a cursory look through the piles (which I had previously organized) and I do have the Nov 2000 issue. It's the "Special Collector's Issue" for their 10th Anniversary and even has the Jungle Book trading cards/bookmark still intact. It's yours if you need it.

Wow, thanks! I'll note you with my contact information. November 2000 is one that I really want because I'm planning to kick off the third volume of this thread with it.

Was there a December 2000? My 2000 set was from my personal collection and I just have a "Winter 2000."

Winter 2000 is basically the January/February 2000 issue, and it's the one with all those video game tips and comics (Rayman, Crash Bandicoot Racing, Pokémon Stadium, etc.) - I believe somebody else wrote an article for it in the previous thread (the one that doesn't work anymore because my first Photobucket account is over its monthly bandwidth). In 1999, they reduced the amount of yearly issues from 12 to 10, and lumped January and February, as well as July and August, into one issue each. For the record, December 2000 has a cover story on 102 Dalmatians.

[s c ford]

Looking for a little help.

I'm a big fan of comic book/storyboard artist Pat McEown and am trying to track down some of his earlier comics work. I know for sure he has a Luna Park strip in the April 1999 issue of Disney Adventures Magazine (with Doug on the cover) and I've read there was a second Luna strip in the May 1999 issue, but have not been able to confirm this. I'm actually not too sure there even is a May 1999 issue of DAM as I've had no luck tracking down an image of it on Google. I've also read that he has a strip in the November 1994 issue of DAM (with Gargoyles on the cover). If anyone could confirm or deny either of these for me it would be much appreciated.

[puck]

scford: The comic in the Nov1994 issue isn't really a strip...it's a 12 page Gargoyles comic, and yes it has that artist listed for "pencils."

April1999 has a 5 page "Luna Park" comic. May1999 has a 2 page "Luna Park" comic (It has Link on the cover).

He doesn't appear in the other 1999 issues I have (March, June, Oct, Sept, Nov, Winter), or 1998 (everything but July, Nov, Dec), or 2000 (March, April, May, Summer, August, Sept, Winter).

If you are looking to own, I was in the process of getting things ready to sell. I can sell you the April and May issues if you like. Just send me a message.

[J. B. Warner]

Sorry for letting this thread lie for so long, a lot of stuff came up and bit me this month (commissions, a cold, and then a computer virus). But if anything, the delay helped this next article become a little more timely - it's November 1993, one of the Halloween issues...and as an added bonus, it's a 3-D issue too!


Get out your 3-D glasses, kids!...You do have 3-D glasses, right?


"What if Andy gets a new dinosaur? A mean one? I just don't think I could take that kind of rejection!"
The guys at "Mystery Science Theater 3000" had the right idea - in a Season 1 episode, they outfitted this thing with a mini-flamethrower and called it the Acetylene-Powered Thunder Lizard. That would have been a heck of a lot cooler than "Big Rex".


Ha, good ol' Slang Patrol, always good for a laugh. DA hung on to "spackler" for a while - April 1994 has a bunch of cut-out April Fools' pranks, and one of them was one of those "How to keep an idiot busy (turn card over)" things, except they said "How to keep a spackler busy". Having missed this issue on its original publication, I had no idea what they were talking about.


I don't know what these kids are doing, but it looks naughty.


It's rare that a photo in one of the 3-D issues actually takes advantage of the medium, but this one looks pretty cool.
One thing that always threw me off about the Addams Family movies was how they turned Wednesday from a bright yet weird little girl into a dark and creepy emo kid. There's a scene in Addams Family Values where Morticia tells the camp counselor that Wednesday's at that age where she's only got one thing on her mind; the counselor guesses "Boys?" and Wednesday corrects her with "Homicide." Man, that's dark...


This was long before The Nightmare Before Christmas became the humongous cult classic it is today. Oddly, even though it had just come out, this is a poem that gives away the entire plot of the movie. But now that everybody's seen it a bajillion times, I guess it doesn't really matter.


Every 3-D issue features one 3-D comic, and this year, it's reserved for the new guy in Toontown, Bonkers. It contains a number of "blinkies", wherein most panels, you can only see the ghosts on the blue color spectrum by closing one eye. Cute, but it does sort of ruin the whole "3-D" thing, doesn't it?
There's also a character named Stephen Thing (guess who he's based on), a toon horror writer who wants to move on to other projects. He ends up writing his autobiography, which he calls "Maximum Overwrite". Funny, I would have thought that'd be more appropriate for John Grisham's autobiography.


You know, I can totally believe that Batman spends his spare time practicing his scowling. By the time the Nolan films came along, it clearly paid off.
Does anyone have any explanation as to why She-Hulk would be afraid of lawyers?


"Okay, we've got an article on superheroes and an article on Shaquille O'Neal. If only there were some way to segue one into the other..."


Oh, that's wrong somehow.


Continuing in the Halloween spirit, this "Dinosaurs" comic parodies Invasion of the Body Snatchers. However, it's so cluttered with details and weird camera angles and giant onomatopoeias that it's almost impossible to tell what's going on.


"WHOA! Blue icing! That's even cooler than the fact that I'm a talking bear who wears skater clothes! Awesome! Radical! Froggy!"
Yeah, we're in the '90s, all right.


Every year, DA held their Scary Story Contest. And every year, the winner ended up not really being all that scary. Except for this one - damn, that's sinister.
"He gave me an A, plus an appointment with the school psychologist."
"Relax, I get those all the time."


As if John Madden wasn't annoying enough, now you can have him yell at you while you're trying to play video games! "BOOM!"


When I was a kid, I thought the phrase "See Michael Jordan with hare" was the funniest thing in the world. Now that I've seen Space Jam, my tune has changed. ("Tune"! Ha, see what I did there? Ah...)


My challenge to you, dear readers who live in the northern part of the world - when the snow falls this winter, go out and try to recreate this in your driveway. The looks you'll get will totally be worth it.

[mobo85]

What an interesting issue to pick at this time of the year given recent events, seeing as the composer of the Addams Family theme song, Vic Mizzy, passed away this week. (That, and the first two ads you highlight seem like the sort of thing that would appeal to Roman Polanski.)

The quotation about Big Rex being "recreated for the kid of the '90s" made me think he was an old toy, and he was: originally released in 1987, he was re-released to cash in on the post-Jurassic Park dinosaur craze. Despite what the Brothers Chaps might tell you, he did not shoot sparks, but I am unsure whether or not you really have to put cooking oil in his mouth.

The reason She-Hulk would be afraid of lawyers is because she is one- I assume she fears the ones she's going up against. And the segue into Shaq isn't that forced, since he famously sported a Superman tattoo. Okay, maybe it's a little forced.

"Kids are talking about...Tom Jones?" Why? It is unusual.

[Funky Al]

I'm not sure who that Bonkers comic is trying to fool. You can see those ghosts clear as day without 3D glasses.

[Burdette25159]

Originally Posted by J. B. Warner

I'm trying my hardest to say something about "Recess", but these stories are just so darn bland. Also, what's with this king of the playground character? In fact, what's the deal with any of these secondary characters? The miner kids, the bartender kid, the little kindergarteners who act like some sort of African jungle tribe...the parent-teacher conferences at this school must be a real hoot.

Nice sneakers Spinelli had on, I would like to see a little more of that "New SHoes Blues" comic

[J. B. Warner]

Making up for lost time, let's push onward with July 1996!


Note the bizarre "Fun For Kids!" tag above the logo. That thing popped up a couple of times in 1996 and I don't know why. I guess maybe to offset the fact that the cover story is about a PG-13 movie laden with crude sex jokes. (Fun Fact: the guys who wrote Spy Hard also directed Date Movie, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, and Meet the Spartans. Shocking, I know.)


"Nadia Comaneci gave an amazing performance at the 1976 Summer Olympics, proving that even at a young age, people can do incredible things!...Oh yeah, by the way, drink Coke."


Hey, I never noticed this before. Sarah Mauretti lives in Swansea, Massachusetts, literally the next town over from where I live. She's gotta be 26 by now - maybe I could find her in the phone book and say "Hey, I saw your letter in Disney Adventures!" And then she'd hang up and go "Weirdo..."


Hey look, another movie kids shouldn't see!
Actually, the summer of 1996 was pretty kid-unfriendly in general, wasn't it? All the big movies were stuff like Mission: Impossible, Twister, Independence Day...wasn't there anything in theaters that was suitable for all ages?


No, I guess not.
"Join the Party!" Yes, we'll be burning Esmeralda at the stake shortly after Frollo gets done singing about how bad he wants to have sex with her. More punch?


A lot of people forget that Leslie Nielsen started his career out as a serious actor; heck, he was the ship's captain in The Poseidon Adventure. I guess that's why he's so likeable - after spoofing such hard-boiled genres as disaster movies and cop capers and spy mysteries, you realize he's got a great sense of humor about everything.
I don't know if I'd want Michael Eisner as the brains of a spy operation, though. I don't think I'd want him as the brains of anything, frankly.


I like how the only thing they can talk about for Mission: Impossible is the gadgets. 'Cause God knows nobody in the audience could make sense out of the plot.


Then there's a bit about how you can make your own spy mission for your friends. You know, this is actually pretty close to how my family's Easter egg hunts went every year.


Mr. Adventure hops aboard a nuclear submarine this month and basically treats it like a Tonka truck in a sandbox. It's all fun and games until you break the teriyaki sauce, isn't it?


1996 was an Olympic summer. Of course, this is the mid-90s, so things like the long jump and the 100-meter butterfly aren't EXTREEEEEEME enough for the Generation X'ers. Thank heaven for the X Games! I still see stuff like stunt biking and rollerblading, but what the hell is skysurfing? What, regular surfing wasn't dangerous enough, now you have to do it while jumping out of a plane? What is this, a Mountain Dew ad?


Some athletes endorse candy bars. Other athletes go one step further. I gotta admit, I'm a little confused by their description of Shaquille O'Neal as "huge and good".


Ah, Stephen DeStefano! Every comic he touches turns to gold! This "Goof Troop" entry tells the tale of a robbery at Pete's house, whereupon Pete disowns Chainsaw for being a lousy guard dog. In walks this shady-lookin' fellow to demonstrate Card, a robotic guard dog that'll supposedly do the job better than any flesh-and-blood beast. Turns out the guy's a scam artist, and Chainsaw comes to the rescue, of course. But man, I just love those inks!


You know, when I was a kid, I didn't get into "Gargoyles". I liked comedy shows, and it didn't seem like my cup of tea. So I always skipped right over the "Gargoyles" comics in DA. But now that I've rebuilt my collection, I'm giving them a read, and they're a lot of fun. This month, Goliath is concerned for Elisa's well-being and follows her on a dangerous police call. Misunderstandings ensue, usually involving a certain gargoyle crashing through apartment walls.


This puzzle makes me laugh. Where else are you going to see a baboon wearing a boot and a cook boiling a football? Also, note the crook's desire for items with double-o's has become so insatiable, he's actually stealing the entire dang moon at the end there. That's pretty darn ballsy of him.


Oh, Chester Cheetah. You're like the Pink Panther, sans the panache. (By the way, you'd better hope you're cool enough to read this.)
I remember these things. They did in fact have more cheese than regular Chee-tos. Maybe a bit too much, actually - they were really powdery, and that's not a pleasant sensation to have on your tongue, believe me.

[mobo85]

Stephan DeStefano is indeed a great artist- especially when he's working in old-timey style, which he seems to be an expert at- look at some of the Popeye promo art he's drawn or the Steamboat Willie parody at the beginning of The Beast With A Billion Backs. Good stuff. (Goofy, a dog, owns a dog as a pet? Isn't that slavery?)

What's so strange about a candy bar named after a sports star? One of the most well-known candies is named after a baseball player (although for years the company claimed it was named after the daughter of a President who had already died by the time the candy bar hit the market).

That's what really powered the Commies during the Cold War-era Olympics. Not steroids- good-old fashioned American Coke! (Nadia Comenici is actually much cuter-looking than the drawing makes her. She's no Mary Lou Retton, though.)

[Zorak Masaki]

Did DA ever do a "90s in review" issue? I'd like to see how they covered the decade, and considering DA started in 1990 it would be fitting (for that matter, did they ever do anything to celebrate their 10th anniversary? Or was it already posted and i forgot it?).

[J. B. Warner]

Originally Posted by Zorak Masaki

Did DA ever do a "90s in review" issue? I'd like to see how they covered the decade, and considering DA started in 1990 it would be fitting (for that matter, did they ever do anything to celebrate their 10th anniversary? Or was it already posted and i forgot it?).

They did do a 10th anniversary issue - it's the November 2000 issue that puck so generously donated to me (thanks again, by the way!). And it contains a timeline detailing all the movies, TV shows, songs, books, events, and trends that were popular throughout the 1990s. I'm saving that issue for the opening post of the Part 3 version of this thread.

And in a similar vein, for the last article in Part 2, since I opened this chapter with the first issue, I plan to close with the final issue, November 2007, so keep an eye out for that.

[Eleanor Hugbees]

Does anyone have any explanation as to why She-Hulk would be afraid of lawyers?

It's supposed to be ironic that she's a lawyer that's afraid of other lawyers, but seeing as how there's no immediate irony in that, it's not a good joke.


It also a joke that would have been funnier if She Hulk was a knock off of the Hulk.