Misery Loves Company

[Barb Gordon]

I've hemmed and hawed over whether to post this topic for a few months now, but I finally decided that it couldn't hurt to just throw it out there. I'd never announced it here, but my dad passed away due to a type of leukemia this past June, on the 4th. He was only 54, only source of income, best father and husband in the world....yatta yatta. I could write till my fingers were sore on how amazing my father was, but that's not the point of this thread.

Well for a month or so my mom has been going to our church for these grief meetings. They meet about twice in a month and share amongst each other, it seems to help her alot. She invited my sister and I along, but I declined. Everyone is in their 40-50s, and most have lost a spouse....not a parent. A teen/young adult grief group is what they really need, but even then I wasn't too keen on going to one. My mom has also suggested therapy if I felt I was getting overwhelmed, but again I declined. I tend to like handling things on my own, in my head, all by myself. But more and more I'm finding that in this case, I just can't do this. And that's when I realized I'm not the only one whose lost a parent, sibling, relative or friend, and who is a young adult. The thing is, our generation is online most of the time, and communicate a lot more in that form than in any other. Hence this thread. If anyone else has lost someone close to them, whether recently or from years ago, I think it'd be great if an online grief group could somehow form. I think we could really be of help to each other, if people were to be able to share together online and realize they're not alone, and to see whether what they've felt or experienced has been felt and experienced by others.

Thoughts and comments? Hugs welcome too :p

~Barb

[Leaping Larry Jojo]

Interesting thread. I don't have anything to post, though, since the people who are really close to me are still around, so I can't relate. I've lost grandparents, but I've never been really close to them, and I don't seem to be a very "grieving" type of person in nature. I might be the kind of person who moves on way too easily.

But putting myself in your position, I would be fairly devastated if someone I REALLY depended on passed away. I suppose that's a selfish reaction, though, but sometimes the kind of deaths that hit home are really that way for most people...

[TimTwoFace]

*HUGS BARB*

Well Barb, you know I've been here for you the whole time, before, during, and after, and I'll continue to be. I've never lost a close friend or relative to date, so in a way I guess I'm lucky - but I can fully understand how you're feeling. I'm the type that keeps a lot in, too - I'm a very tolerant person, and very rarely make my true feelings about deep, deep issues known unless I'm with people I really care for or love. I know that, for me, it's not necessarily a good thing to keep things bottled up inside for so long, but my reasoning was that I didn't want to continually pester people with my own problems - but then you eventually realize that if they aren't willing to lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on, they're not real friends. And most people will listen and at least try to help out in any way they can.

*HUGS BARB AGAIN*

*HUGS ANYONE ELSE WHO ENTERS/POSTS IN THIS THREAD WHO NEEDS A HUG*

-Tim

[Jedigreedo]

That's a pretty nice idea, Barb. I know we don't really talk alot but if ya ever do need someone to talk to, I'm mostly always on IM ya know.

*hugs*

[ZorBrak]

*HUG*

I'm so sorry to hear about your father Babs. I've lost a lot of close family members myself....and I hate to say it but I know more could happen in my family soon. I'm still going through some really rough times myself for a number of reasons. But I gotta keep on ya know? I know it's a really stressful time when something this terrible happens and I'm sorry it's happened to such a nice gal. If you ever need to talk about it, or if anyone else reading this needs to talk about something like this, I'm more than willing. AIM: Sugoi Samurai
-Craig

[Barb Gordon]

Thanks brak, and I'll be certain to take you up on that! Was getting miffed that no one else was speaking up, least you did. Then again, any loss, even that of a family pet, can be so bad no one ever wants to discuss it.

~Barb

[Terminatah]

Whoever deleted my post, could you please send me a PM telling me why? I really don't mind, but if no one tells me then I don't learn what I did wrong because I'm an idiot.

-Terminatah

[James]

I recall the death of my godfather, who had been very close to me as a kid. He'd got parkinson's disease and was slowly wasting away. I recall going up to see my grandmother who he was such a close friend with and he didn't recognize my girlfriend - who he had met before. It was then I realised things were changing. I remember trying not to cry on the way back which was weird at the time as it was such a tiny thing, and maybe it meant nothing, but I think it was the first time that it really hit that something maybe wrong.

He continued on for a few years longer. Moving down south with my gran who was coming to live near the family. He had to go into a home there. He was slower, a little more flakey, but still the same person. He was very stiff and my gran had noticed a distinct change in his behaviour.

The home he was in, while it looked nice (grand old building like a Victorian mansion) the staff were not. It was closed down. He was moved a few miles out and away from my grandmother and our family.

From there he deteriorated. Soon he was in hospital after a fall.

I went to see him with a friend. I went into the ward and I could see there was hardly anything there - certainly nothing of the guy who had made me all those toys out of wood and taken me about in his cool car. His cheeky vaguely Benny Hill'esque humour had gone as well. I couldn't tell if he was looking at me or through me. It was weird. I feel more sorry for him in retrospect - if he didn't see me - or recognize me, that final moment we had which was the conclusion to all those years - 24 or so - was missed. That is terribly sad.

I thought he saw my friend (she was a stunningly attractive lady - knowing him I wouldn't have been surprised!), but again, I couldn't tell what was there and what was not. My gran said he was still there. She could see it in his eyes. I'm not so sure. Regardless, that was my goodbye.

I remember my friend saying as we left the building; "You know he wasn't in there anymore". I don't know if I believe that or not, but I've always wondered how much he was there at the end.

He passed away a few days later and I took my gran back to Hereford a month later where he was cremated. Funny, that was this month 3 years back. It seems so much longer ago.

I have a tendency to try and put these things behind me. As I said, I had forgotten the anniversary of his death was this month. I think that's probably intentional. I try not to dwell on death. I have many friends who I don't see anymore - my dad I haven't talked to in a year now. Maybe never again. I think subconsciously, I think people who have died are just somewhere out there, like all the other people I've lost contact with.

A weird thread. Talking about this stirred some feelings I don't think I let myself consider at the time.

[Jedigreedo]

Was getting miffed that no one else was speaking up, least you did. Then again, any loss, even that of a family pet, can be so bad no one ever wants to discuss it.

Sorry... would've mentioned something, but going through childhood after having my grandparents die in front of me, plus having too many pet deaths, just left me as one to not talk what I felt about it or anything. *shrugs*

[purplehairedwonder]

*Hugs everyone* I sort of know the feeling. This summer (July) my grandmother died. I was pretty close to her, she wrote me letters and made me cards and sent me little gifts all the time becuase she said she was proud of me. We found out that she died in her house, just sitting on her couch; when they found her she still had a pencil in her hand, so it was sudden. So, the funeral was in mid-August. It was really sad, and I miss her so much. Our family had just gotten to the point of convincing her to move close to us (that had been the last time my dad talked to her. It was his mother). So yeah, I've really not said much about this since the day we found out she died, and even on the day of her funeral, no one really talked about it much. It's hard, and it's nice to let it out I guess.

[Warnergirls]

Ive lost my only real two grandpas on both sides, one when I was really young like 7 and the other...a few months ago.
All I can say is you are lucky in a way, and not. You had a obviously great dad you loved.
Problem is my family hates each other. moms side hates dads, dads side hates moms etc.
Lately its been hard to live with my parents themselves.
I never really knew my granpda on my dads side but after he died I felt many of the same emotions the rest of the family did. There was drama and my dad is now mentally unstable. Ive never been able to talk to him.Its scary going through this, especially since I am an only child. He started smoking again (he stopped smoking and drinking when I was younger, im glad he isnt drinking tho, hed turn into a real monster then)
But yeah, my grandpas recent death has sent my family in a crisis. Good news is im on antidepressants and im seeing someone about my problems. So I shall be myself in no time. Im sure not everyone wanted to know all this crud. But it all did start from my grandpa dying.

[Barb Gordon]

Wow, I'm really touched others have been able to open up. Despite not seeing facial expressions or hearing tones of voice, I can really tell how close you were to those you lost, and how much it affected you.

My family's always been really close. My mom was brought up that way, but she also moved a lot and had three different dads. My dad and his twin brother had been adopted. His family was great, but fell on hard times, went from having a pool to living in a trailer. My dad spent most of his adolescent years at his best friend's house, for food, sleeping, etc. So both my parents really wanted to ensure their kids had everything and knew they were loved. My big sis and I got that tenfold. Mom used to be a secretary, but slowly fell to being an at home mom and being the taxi for my sis and I, and being involved with out school and sports activities. That meant my dad was the full provider of the household, he was an engineer and spent most of his times driving to and from LA working on air conditioning systems for hotels, hospitals, museums, and big business. Did pretty damn well if you asked me. My sis and I never lacked for anything. I mean, for four people living on one salary, we had a great house, three cars, animals, etc. We moved to a bigger and better house about four years ago, and I got my car two years ago, my sister got the best wedding ever imaginable over a year ago...I mean, it was really wow what my dad could do for us.

He had been diagnosed with CLL, a form of leukemia, about five years ago. He and my mom found out the day I graduated 8th grade, right before entering high school. My sis and I didn't know till a few months afterwards. For me, it never sank it, never. My dad was an expert at making sure I never saw him get sick after kemo or anything. The only thing I could note was that he started working from home more, and he got tired more easily. Well by my junior year or so of high school, things were looking up. After two kemo sessions it looked liked the leukemia had got into remission for the time being, and we were all thrilled. I graduated high school, got into a gorgeous and extremely expensive private university, my sister got married, and my mom, dad and I took a vacation to Hawaii. Then it all ended. Last December, or around there, dad wasn't looking so great anymore. I remember in January I was in the car with him, is was my mom's birthday, and over the phone she pressed him to tell her how a doctor's visit had gone. He wasn't keen on saying anything, because I was there, and my big sis was with my mom, but he caved and told her...it was back. This time the notice was much more dramatic. The littlest thing would wipe my dad out, and having him breathing really heavy. He tried to change a tire once and was just shy of collapsing. And then he started getting seizures. At first he kept trying to pass it off as a pinched nerve since he was sitting down so much, but when they started coming from the top of his head and down, and when he had one while taking a shower, my got him to go to the hospital. There were so many times we thought he'd come out of the hospital, but each time suddenly the kemo wasn't working or the disease was fighting back fast. There was one full week when he came back home, and we had a nurse coming over every day to do some tests. But then he got a slight fever and had to go back to the hospital. About three to four months in the hospital, and then he died. I am having such a hard time just trying to focus on that simple fact, and it drives me up the wall. My dad was my everything and I just can't physically or mentally comprehend his no longer making trips down to LA, or picking me up from school. Sometimes I can remember him doing that like it was yesterday and I was still in high school, and then I just want to burst into tears. My main problem is that I haven't burst into tears, not a whole lot. Except for the morning he died, slightly at the funeral, and then during a bad argument my mom and I had because we were under so much strain, I haven't really cried at all in the past three months. And it bothers me. My mom cried herself to sleep for the longest time, and she still loses it at the slightest thing. My sister cries herself to sleep sometimes, or gets lonely and cries. She feels awkward because she's married and wasn't with my mom and I while dad was in the hospital. So sometimes I find myself thinking insane thoughts like, is there something wrong with me? does it mean I don't love my dad like I thought I did? Am I that much of a cold and uncaring person? Whenever my mom asks if I'm okay, I say I'm just fine. I'm not, but that's what I say every time. I don't want to think about it, I don't want to get her upset and make her worry. I'm used to dealing with emotions personally and I'm finding it impossible to do so in this situation, but I'm not sure what to do. In fact, I was starting to cry while I was typing this, and suddenly I tensed, stopped, and it was over.

*glances up* dang that's a lot of writing and I'll be surprised if anyone actually reads it all!

On a lighter note, because even in the crappiest situations there's always a bright side...I've gotten grants, scholarships and loans up the wazoo. For going to a school that costs 30,000 to attend, I'm better off loan wise then when my dad was alive. California has really come through with grants that I'll never have to pay. So much in fact, that my school was removing loans because the grants covered the other amounts. I can still go abroad to England if I choose, and I was even able to use some of the money to buy my schoolbooks so that it didn't come out of my pocket this time around. That's still something that has me tickled, and I'm so thankful my dad saw me get through my first year of college with mostly A's and loving every minute of it.

~Barb

[Lucky Bob]

Wow, Barb. That's tough. And on my birthday this year, too. http://forums.toonzone.net/images/smilies/frown.gif

Yeah, I lost a grandfather and an uncle two years ago on Father's Day while I was travelling at about 35,000 feet over the Atlantic Ocean. It wasn't exactly thrilling to get the news when I landed. Three years ago, my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer. Thankfully, they caught it early.

I feel inadequate in comforting you at this point, since I don't exactly know what you're going through, but...well...

HUGGIES!!!! http://forums.toonzone.net/images/smilies/wink.gif

[Tienshin]

Let me say, losing anyone is terrible and one of those things in life that one can never truly find the right words to express, grief or sympathy. With that said, I am really sorry to hear about your loss, and I help time will be able to help you move forward.

As for your thoughts involving online support circles, I think it is a great idea. I can see how a person may not be in love with going to an actual group full of people with whom you feel no connection other than grief. However, if you feel that there is a rapport with a circle of people online, and that’s where you are comfortable and can feel uninhibited about sharing…then why not? The setting per se is not most important factor in coming to terms with any loss or pain that life deals us. Having a comfort zone is, that way at the very least you can dive into what is bothering you versus being withdrawn and distant in a group of strangers. Granted, an online forum may consist of people you have never “met” but I think its fairly obvious that people can really connect and build friendships online. But more to the point, if that relationship already exists then everything is so much easier…and going through tough times shouldn’t be hard.

*Big Hug for Barb*

[Good Ol' Batmanuel!]

Now that I think of it, the incident in my life that quite possibly has affected me the most, or close to it, didn't even involve death. It involved perceived death. I'll explain.

I had a cat growing up and as she got older, she just wasn't the same. She was visibly weaker and even less playful than she usually was. One positive, though, is that she seemed to become more affectionate in her advanced age and craved attention a bit more. Anyway, one day she was sleeping on top of a heat vent, which I didn't particularly like her doing, so I nudged her with my foot so she'd wake up and move. She didn't stir. I nudged her again and still nothing. I was getting very scared and my stomach dropped at the thought that I was poking a dead animal. Finally, I got her to wake up from what seemed like a come-like sleep and was so relieved. But those few moments were the most fear-filled of my life and I think the effect has lasted.

Some time later, I was at the nursing home my grandfather was in and we got a call that we better come in, because they felt he wasn't going to make it through the night. Well, they were right. We were there when he died and honestly, I wasn't very sad. I was more glad that his suffering was done. But for some reason, the memory of poking the cat came back and I was crying harder than anyone else we were with. I felt bad that I was associating his death with the incident involving my cat, but my mother just told me it was alright. Stress and such can make you do things you can't really explain.

Even now, the incident with my cat (combined with other things) can really make me break down sometimes. I cried a lot at the end of the episode of Futurama called "Jurassic Bark," whereas I may not have otherwise. It was sad, for sure, but I would almost start crying days later just thinking of the ending to it! The odd thing is that when my cat did die (she was almost 17), it took a while for the emotions to hit, and when they did, I was most likely thinking of that incident.

I'm not sure why I wrote all that, but I've never explained it to anyone before and now it's done.

[Barb Gordon]

*hug* thanks for sharing. Think my ribs are getting bruised from all the hugging though :p I do understand about the cat though. I'm very attached to my animals. When my first dog died she was old and it was expected, but I loved her dearly. She had died while I was at school (and I had made a comment to a friend concerning my dog, "at least she's not dead yet!" earlier that day). When I came home I went to go see the dog and didn't listen to my grandma telling me to not go outside. So I went outside and her bed was gone and I couldn't find her, and then I was told she had died. But I didn't cry, or at least I don't remember doing it. I was just upset over it and missed her dearly. But we got another dog 6 months later, my current one. She eased the gap a lot because we got her in the same area as my old dog, and she looks a lot like my old dog. We used to call her the BJ 2 some of the time. Besides my dog, we have a cat about 9 and my kitten who is 3. The fat cat is the oldest, and I love her, but even now I don't think i'll miss her much when she's gone. She's really overly fat due to my grandma feeding her way too much. I hate to see her waddling everywhere she goes. And she's ornery to boot too. She's gotten sick a lot because of hairballs or eating too fast, and has had a lot of accidents on the carpet. So a lot of the time my mom and I can't wait till she's gone. But my kitten I'm overly attached to because she's my own personal animal. Also because my dad loved her a lot. He picked her out with me, and even though she was my cat, she followed my dad around all the time when he was alive. He used to call her spot because she followed him like a dog would, she slept on his chest when he wasn't feeling well. She always knew when he was sick because of the kemo and wouldn't leave him for days. She misses him a lot too, so the two of us are inseperable now. She's a darling animal, and amusing as heck, and because she holds so many memories concerning my dad, and I love her so much, I can't bear the thought of losing her. It's crossed my mind more then once, and the thought of it is so bad I get scared and want to cry.

~Barb

[James]

So sometimes I find myself thinking insane thoughts like, is there something wrong with me? does it mean I don't love my dad like I thought I did? Am I that much of a cold and uncaring person? Whenever my mom asks if I'm okay, I say I'm just fine. I'm not, but that's what I say every time. I don't want to think about it, I don't want to get her upset and make her worry. I'm used to dealing with emotions personally and I'm finding it impossible to do so in this situation, but I'm not sure what to do. In fact, I was starting to cry while I was typing this, and suddenly I tensed, stopped, and it was over.
Silly! From what I know of you - through yourself and your family - there is no doubt you loved your dad very much. It's probably that close bond which is making dealing with this so hard and confusing.

I think you just need to stop thinking how you are acting and just be as you are. We all deal with grief differently. Some withdraw, some share - some can't move on at all. Give yourself time.

After all, this is still all very fresh. I would recommend going to see someone - not because how you are feeling is wrong but I do think being able to talk someone face to face is cathartic. Sometimes 'dealing with it' yourself isn't dealing with it at all, it's just burying things deep where they can't hurt. I'm not saying thats what you are doing - by the sounds of things you are in a position where you are feeling the need to talk about it - talking to someone who you don't feel it will burden (say your mum) I think would be a good step. Talking to people I'm sure you'll find the way you are coping is not unusual and does not in anyway disrespect the memory of your dad. Accept how you deal with this as being perfectly natural and then go from there.

Sorry, this is going to hurt... *hug*

I can still go abroad to England if I choose, and I was even able to use some of the money to buy my schoolbooks so that it didn't come out of my pocket this time around.
On a lighter note - yay! :D England is good. Funny, as I'm sharing accomdation with the international students who have come over here. As I'm off to San Diego in January, I've only got a term residence. They've put me in with the internationals who are staying for this term. It's great. They are so nice. One guy from Poland - who has been telling me about his first hand experiences of the changes there since the fall of communism (and about Polish Vodka!), an Australian girl who seems a laugh and a guy from Germany who again seems a genuinely nice bloke. I hope to catch more of them tonight. Lots of fun. You'll love the exchange - as will I! :D