Got a joke..?

[Frozen]

OK, let's try and lighten the mood a little. How about a continuing thread were we could all post our favourite jokes, or new ones we stumble across? What do you guys think? Good idea, or not?

Anyway, I'll get the ball rolling with this joke I've just recieved by e-mail...


Bob was in his front yard mowing grass when his
neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later he came out of his house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again.

Angrily, back into the house he went. As Bob was getting ready to edge the lawn, his neighbour came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by his neighours actions Bob asked him, "Is something wrong?"
To which he replied,"There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'"



OK, I know you guys can do better - so go on, make us all laugh..!



:D

[BourgeoisBuffoon]

Hm...this is more of a riddle I found I liked:

...
If the kitchen is in the house, and Diana's in the kitchen, what's in Diana?
....A STATE! in-Diana! :D

My fave stupid joke:

Why did the Turkey cross the road?
To beat that dumb cluck at his own game!
...

As you can see, it doesn't take much to make me laugh...:rolleyes:

[NewMaxFranklin]

Here's one you can tell your mom:

A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gasps in shock. "A talking grasshopper!" he exclaims, "We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper looks at the bartender in amazemant as says, "IRVING?"

[DR. BELCH]

....my sister-in-law asked me the other night if I knew what procrastination was. I said that I was going to look it up, but decided I'd just wait and do it tomorrow.
You see, it's one of those jokes that you have to think about for a couple of minutes...those are my favorite kind of jokes.... :D

[Frozen]

Yeah, and someone told me "gullable" wasn't in the dictionary either. "Really!!?" I asked, somewhat surprised...

[Trent Lane]

Okay, bear with me, it's been a while since I've heard this one...

Three friends, let's call them James, Bob, and Mike, were in a car accident and went to heaven. The got there and they were told they could do whatever they wanted, just DON'T step on a duck. So the friends shook hands and went their seperate ways. About a week later James and Bob are walking along when they meet Mike with this ugly, heavy-set woman tied to him at the ankle. "What happened?" they asked Mike. "Just don't step on a duck, man." With that, they again went their seperate ways. The next week, Mike and Bob are walking along when they come up to James, who has an ugly heavy-set woman tied to his ankle. "What happened?" Bob asked. "Just don't step on a duck, man." So, again, they go their seperate ways. A few days later, Mike and James meet Bob in the street, and he's got this fine hottie tied to his ankle. "Whoa, what'd you do?" Bob replied, "I don't know..."

Okay, a long way to go for that one, especially if you don't pick up on it, so sue me...

[optimal321]

Wow, yeah, i don't get that one at all:rolleyes:

Oh well. Most of the jokes i tell are spur of the moment things that are just funny, rather than long thought out jokes. And some of the jokes i do know aren't allowed on this board. But here's one that i did and thought it was pretty funny:

Actually, reading that over, it isn't quite sutible for here. I'll come back w/ another later. Oops:rolleyes:

[Singin' Stray Cat]

Did someone say...JOKE? :D

Here's probably the strangest one I've ever heard. (Warning! Pun at the end!)

One day, three strings come up to a bar. (Yes, strings. Work with me here!) The trio notice a sign in the bar window that says, "No Strings Allowed." Well, the first string decides to try and get served anyway. So he goes inside and orders a beer. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks, "Saaay...Are you a string?" The string says no, but the bartender can't be fooled, so the first string gets thrown out.

The second string tries his luck. He hops up to the bar and orders a beer. Again the bartender asks, "Are you a string?" The second string answers in the negative, but yet again the bartender is not fooled, and the second string is thrown out as well.

So the strings are about to go elsewhere for a drink, when suddenly the third string gets an idea. "Hey guys," he says to the other two, "tie me in a knot and fray my edges."

"What??" they ask, bewildered.

"I said, 'Tie me in a knot and fray my edges.'" The other two strings do as he says, though they're not sure why. So the third string, with his edges frayed and tied in a knot, enters the bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks him, "Are you a string?" The third string then replies,

"Nope, frayed knot."

(If you don't get it, say it out loud. Either way...it's bad!:p )

[NewMaxFranklin]

A guy, lets call him "Wally," was going skydiving for his 40th birthday. After a few days of basic instruction he was given some final words of advice from his instructor. "Ok, "said the instructor, "this is important. You know about the rip cords?" "Yeah," said Wally. "Well," continued the instructor, "After you count to ten and pull the rip cord, if it doesn't work, you pull the emergengy cord." "Right," said Wally confidently. "Well," said the instructor, "In the unlikely event that neither chute deploys, just say 'Buda, Buda, Buda.'" Wally chuckles, but the instructors face remains serious. "Just remember," states the instructor plainly, "Buda, Buda, Buda."

The plain reaches the propper altitude and Wally takes a deep breath and jumps. The fall is exhilrating. He counts to ten slowly in his head. "Ok," he thinks "here we go!" Wally pulls the chute cord, but nothing happens. Wally's confidence is a little shaken. He pulls the second cord, but the chute still does not deploy. Wally starts to panic. "Wait! What did the guy say? Oh, oh yeah, uh, Buda, Buda, Buda!"

As Wally says this, a GIANT BROWN HAND, fifty feet wide, comes out of the clouds and catches him. The hand begins to lover him slowly to the ground. "Oh," exclaims Wally, relieved, "Thank GOD!" The giant hand turns over and slams him into the ground.

[BourgeoisBuffoon]

I love all of these! :D Gotta tell 'em to others...and spread joy!
...or at least groans. ;)

Another (DUMB!) dictionary joke:

...
GUY 1: Whatcha doing?
GUY 2: Looking up how to spell a certain word in the dictionary. It's hard, though!
GUY 1: (smacks head)
...

Punchline: How can you look up a word in the dictionary if you don't know how it's spelled?

[Singin' Stray Cat]

Are we allowed to post more than one joke? I just thought of another one...no pun, though. Thankfully ;)

A kangaroo hops into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender puts the beer in front of the kangaroo and says, "That'll be seven bucks." A man sitting next to the kangaroo says, "Pardon me, Mr. Kangaroo - I don't mean to stare, but I've never seen a kangaroo in a bar before."

"Yeah," said the kangaroo, "and at $7.00 for a beer you probably won't see many more!!"

[Bird Boy]

I remember reading this one in some magazine, and thought I'd pass it along. It might be considered PG-13, so I'll put it in spoilers.

Possible PG-13 Joke Start:

The mistress of the big mansion called on her butler. She said "Butler, take off my blouse" Feeling a bit awkward, he took off her blouse. "Butler, take off my skirt" Trembling now, he took her skirt off. "Butler, take off my bra". Shaking noticably now, he took off her bra. Finally, she said "Butler, take off my underwear" Shaking violently, he took off her underwear. Then, she said "And if I ever catch you wearing my cloths again, your fired"

Possible PG-13 Joker END.

-BB

[joker]

this one is lame, but its my favorite joke of all time

a guy walks into bar and says

ouch!

[Kylewayne]

Ok, here is a joke my friend emailed me recently...

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of
all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove
to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski
jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS :D

[The Dork Knight]

A lawyer dies and goes to the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter says what good deeds have you done in your life? He says, "Well on day I gave a homeless person a quarter." "And?" St. Peter says. "The next day I gave another homeless person a quarter." St. Peter talks to another Saint. They think about it and say "Give him back his quarter and send him to hell."

Worst joke ever!

- Peter Melnick :D

[The Dork Knight]

Three blondes are in the woods. They come across some tracks.
Blonde 1: These are deer tracks!
Blonde 2: No! These are bear tracks!
Blonde 3: You're all wrong! These are Racoon tracks!

Then they all got hit by a train.

:D

[Fish]

"...and so there was this blonde girl who went to the doctor and during the whole session she wore headphones. The doctor got annoyed and asked her to take 'em off!
" No I can't" she replied
" Why on earth can't you take them off? " the Doctor asked
" Well I'll die if I do so"
Then doctor thinking she was crazy talked her into taking them of...So she did and a she fell onto the floor stonedead!
Horrified the doctor picked up the headphones and listend

.." breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..."



<>< F I S H ><>

[Frozen]

OK, here's aome gems from a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They are (apparently...) things people actually said in court, word for word....

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.


Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Plenty more where these came from...

[frame runner]

Originally posted by BourgeoisBuffoon
I love all of these! :D Gotta tell 'em to others...and spread joy!
...or at least groans. ;)

Another (DUMB!) dictionary joke:

...
GUY 1: Whatcha doing?
GUY 2: Looking up how to spell a certain word in the dictionary. It's hard, though!
GUY 1: (smacks head)
...

Punchline: How can you look up a word in the dictionary if you don't know how it's spelled?

uhhh.. actually, people do use the dictionary to find out the spelling of words. How else do you find out the spelling of words you don't know? They even sell spelling dictionaries, where are really noting more than a giant list of words

[Frozen]

Here's some more extracts from "Disorder in the Court":


Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Did he kill you?


Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?


Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?


Q: How many times have you committed suicide?


Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

[BourgeoisBuffoon]

Aw, Framerunner...you gotta look at my last joke in perspective...:(

....And I love those jokes, Frozen. More dumb lawyer jokes:

"The 20-year old, how old was he?"

Lawyer: And was the person dead by the time you did an autopsy on him?
Autopsy Guy: Yeah, or else he wouldn't be wondering why I did an autopsy on him!

[Frozen]

Damn your eyes, BourgoisBuffoon, you beat me to the 'autopsy joke'!!!


Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive
nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

[happyheathen]

on the theory that everything is new to somebody:

Q: What do you call 5,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A: a good start

(OK, so I don't know that many 'G' jokes...)

[Frozen]

Ahh, lawyers, bless 'em...


Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

[Singin' Stray Cat]

Love these lawyer jokes, every one of them :) Wish I had some to share that haven't been heard already, but looks like you're going to get these quickies instead:

Q: How did the lunatics find their way through the forest?
A: They took the psycho path.

Q: What did the fish say when he hit his head on a concrete wall?
A: "Dam!"

and my favorite...

Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalog!

Waka-waka-waka! :D

[NewMaxFranklin]

An old mad is walking down the road when he notices a frog in his path. The old man is shocked to hear the frog speak. "Kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful woman," says the frog. The old man considers this, then picks up the frog, puts it in his pocket and keeps walking. "Hey!" yells the frog, "Didn't you hear what I said?" He old man replies, "Yeah, but at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

[DR. BELCH]

The truth is, I don't tell jokes. I make humorous observations about life and report them to the masses. There's a big difference.
Case in point: my brother and were watching TV the other night, and a commercial came on for a cream designed to enlarge--ahem--a particular portion of the male anatomy. Now my question is, how does the cream know it's only supposed to work there? Imagine some guy applying the stuff, getting it all over his fingers, and then waking up the next morning wth his hands bloated up three times normal size.... :eek:

[Frozen]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain, they
name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, But they are twins. If you''ve seen Juan, you''ve seen Amal.

[killercroc]

Originally posted by DR. BELCH
The truth is, I don't tell jokes. I make humorous observations about life and report them to the masses. There's a big difference.
Case in point: my brother and were watching TV the other night, and a commercial came on for a cream designed to enlarge--ahem--a particular portion of the male anatomy. Now my question is, how does the cream know it's only supposed to work there? Imagine some guy applying the stuff, getting it all over his fingers, and then waking up the next morning wth his hands bloated up three times normal size.... :eek:

What channel were YOU watching?

OK, heres mine.

Three preachers and their wives have a car wreck and die. They all end up at the pearly gates, of course. St. Peter tells the first one, "We can't let you into heaven. I know you've been a preacher and lived a pure life, but you've lusted for money your whole life. You love money so much you even married a woman named Penny. You go to to Purgatory."

He tells the next one, "We can't let you into heaven either. You were also a preacher and led a pure life. Even though you never had a drink you lusted after alcohol your entire life. You even married a woman named Sherry.

Upon hearing that, the last preacher turns to his wife and says "Come on, Fanny. We may as well get out of here."

[Danielle]

There's a thread for jokes, AND NO ONE TOLD ME?! Well, I'll change that. (EVIL SMILIE!!)

Psychiatrist Jokes

-A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office, repeating over and over "Teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam, teepee...add infinitum" The psychiatrist exclaims "I know your problem! You're two tents!"

-A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a duck on his head. "Can I help you?" the psychiatrist asks. "Yeah," responds the duck, "Can you get this guy out from under me?"

-A mechanic walks into a psychiatrist's office. The psychiatrist tells him, "Get under the couch."

-A whale walks (swims, whatever) into a psychiatrist's office. After the session, the psychiatrist hands him the bill (waaaaaaiitt....wasn't he a whale? Hah! Bad pun in a joke, I beat you all! :p ). "One thousand, one hundred dollars?!" the whale croaks (waaaaaaaaaiiiittt.......aw, scratch it. {*SCRAAAATCH*} Ow!). "How can a session cost one thousand, one hundred dollars?!" "It doesn't," the psychiatrist answered calmly. "That's one hundred dollars for the session, and one thousand dollars for a new couch."

Dumb Blonde Jokes
(notice I put dumb blone. I personally don't think blondes are dumb unless, of course, they are a dumb blonde. {shrugs}

-A brunette and two blondes were dangerously suspended under an airplane, with only a thin cord to hold on to. Unless one of them jumped off, they all would perish. The brunette declares, "You know what? I'm going to jump!" Then she makes this whole speech about how she's giving her life for two people she hardely knew.
When the speech was over, the two blondes clapped.

-There was once a man who could tell jokes so funny, people would die laughing when they heard them. One day, he was brought to trial on the charge of manslaugther and found guilty. The man asks the judge if he can tell one last joke. The judge lets him, and he tells a joke so funny, everyone in the courtroom cracks up and dies---except for one person; a blonde lawyer.
Seven years later, an article appeared in the obituaries, stating that this certain blonde lawyer has recently died laughing.

Lawyer Jokes

Yup, I have some lawyer jokes!

-Did you know that the word "lawyer" comes from Latin? It means "blood-sucking parasites".

-What's the difference between a dog who has been run over and a lawyer who has been run over?
There are skid tracks next to the dog. (this is kinda like, what do you call 12 out of 13 lawyers who drowned? Almost had it... [or something like that...] Or the one where a man doesn't run over a lawyer on a bicycle because it may have been his bicycle...)

-A lawyer was about to get into his convertible when a motorcyclist went by, tearing off the car door, and the lawyer's whole arm with it. The lawyer started screaming and cursing. A passerby saw the lawyer and asked him what happened. The lawyer answered, "That son-of-a-{bleep} just destroyed my car!"

Think that's the end of the joke? Think again.

The passerby stared at him and asked, "Your car?! The whole left side of your body has been torn off! Aren't you upset about that?!" The lawyer looks at his bloody stump of an arm, and screams. "{Bleep}! He made off with my watch, too!"


Post-to-follow; a whole section on "How to Tell a Joke". Be there, or be a rectangle.

[Alaskanbullworm]

This is what my dad found in one of his fortune cookies,
"Help, I'm being held captive in a Chinese bakery."

[DR. BELCH]

killercroc:
What channel were YOU watching?
E! Proud home of Howard Stern.

A man goes into a bar, has several beers, and then bets the bartender $25 he can relieve himself into a shot glass placed on the end of the counter and get every drop in.
"That's a good 15, 20 feet," said the barkeep. "You'll never make it."
The drunk insists he will, though, and the barkeep takes his bet. So the guy proceeds to relieve himself all over the counter, the stools, the floor, the bartender himself, the bottles, the taps, and the mirrored wall behind the bar.
"Ha! Fool," says the bartender. "You missed. You didn't even come close to the glass."
"That's okay," the drunk says, "See, I bet my pal over there fifty smackers that I could relieve myself all over your bar and you wouldn't get mad about it."

[Fantasie117]

God went missing in heaven so Michael the Archangel went looking for God. On the seventh day, he found God resting and looking at something.

"Look," God said to Michael. "I've created a world of balance. Over here, I've created a place of extreme cold and over there is a place of extreme heat. There is a poor country and there is a rich country."

"What's that place?" Michael asked, pointing to a landmass.

"Oh, that's New York. It's going to be the most beautiful land! The people will be hard working and very friendly," God explained.

"But, God, what about balance?" Michael demanded.

"Wait'll you see the loud-mouthed jerks I put next to them in New Jersey."

[Note my location!]

[Frozen]

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers, a can of spam and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he managed only a second placing.

He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.