In the Spirit of Feb. 14: A Romantic Problem

[Andy Mancini]

In the spirit of Valentine's Day, I have a romantic problem, and I have no idea of what to do.

As I've said before, there is a girl I know that I've had a crush on for roughly five years. We've basically been insepratable since we met. I've always wanted to be the normal "more than friends", but her age (she's 3 1/2 my junior), along with the feelings from my family on the "age thing", put a stop to that. She is now a Freshman in college, and my family sees no problem with me "actively pursuing" her. The latter part of that statement wasn't hard to do at all. Heck, I've considered her my girlfriend since I built her computer during Christmas Break. Everything was going fine, until last Saturday.

See, for the past few days, her Internet at school has been on the blink. I guessed right off that the problem was her on-board Ethernet card, a problem she could easily correct herself, but I went up anyway. I figured it's best that I do it on the off chance that it's something majorly wrong, and besides, it gave me a chance to see her without my brother and wiseass mutual friend in tow. The college she goes to, Edinboro University, is an hour and a half away, but getting there is a breeze. It's just a straight shot up the interstate. As I assumed, the Internet problem was an easy one to correct. All I had to do was disable her on-board card and put in her old one. Now that we had some spare time on our hands, we decided to go to the Millcreek Mall in Erie, a fifteen minute trip from her dorm. We were ready to leave when she recieved a call from her friend Ashley. Ashley was stuck at the mall, and considering that she (through me) was the only one with a car, we had the job of picking her up.

Our trip to the mall was nothing out of the ordinary: We pickedd up her friend, went to the McDonals's, burnt some money at the Hot Topic, bought an anime DVD, and headed back. It was on the way back that I noticed that Ashley was acting different than Angela was. Ashley was acting like a "normal person", while Angela was acting like, well, my girlfriend. Then it hit me: she really isn't. I never told her how I feel.

Now, it's totally obvious to everyone, including Angela herself, that I really care for her. I've made no secret of that. Still, I've never said in words how I feel, and I'm scared to death. What if she gets thrown off by that? Will it change our relationship? Angela's my best friend. Will me "spilling my guts" change everything? I don't even know if she feels the same way about me. Also, is it fair of me to do that to her? I mean, she is away, and if I pour my heart out, it might stop her from finding the "perfect guy" if I'm not it. I also plan to go back to school in the fall, and the school I plan to go to is three hours away from her's. Could a relationship like that work?

I usually go to Angela when I have these types of problems, but for obvious reasons, I can't. When I asked my family, here are the responses that I get:

My brother Danny: "I don't see the point. I mean, you spend all of your money, hell, even some of my money, on her, and your still not getting any! Let's face it: you're not getting any now, and won't ever get any from her. And I don't just mean sex either."

My mom: "Aww, romance, how cute. I don't know what to tell you. Just do what you feel."

My dad: "Your mother does bring up a good point, but I have to go with your brother on this one."

Any suggestions? I know that I'm overthinking this, but I have no idea of what to do. She is coming home on Friday to see Daredevil with us. I'd like to tell her then, being it's Valentine's weekend and all, but I don't know what to do.

[Fiona]

Well since I have some experience with the hearts of college girls, as I am one, I will offer my two cents.

If you really like her the best thing that you can possibly do is tell her, because she will really be the best person to answer your questions. Since you've obviously invested a lot of time and feelings into this relationship it might be a bit awkward at first but talking about how you feel is the only way you can ever move on to the next step. And no matter what happens, at the very least, you'll get your questions answered.

I hope this was semi-helpful and good luck! :)

[Outlander00]

Originally posted by Fiona
Well since I have some experience with the hearts of college girls, as I am one, I will offer my two cents.

If you really like her the best thing that you can possibly do is tell her, because she will really be the best person to answer your questions. Since you've obviously invested a lot of time and feelings into this relationship it might be a bit awkward at first but talking about how you feel is the only way you can ever move on to the next step. And no matter what happens, at the very least, you'll get your questions answered.

I hope this was semi-helpful and good luck! :)

I could not have said it better myself... You have your answer, grasshopper! :)

[Rune]

Fiona's exactly right, it may feel awkward to tell her how you feel but considering how its screwing you up inside now then it has to be the best thing.

After all if she's your best friend and you've been friends a long time its not going to hurt your relationship, she trusts you and knows you well, its not like some strange and sudden revelation coming from a stranger, she's probably already read how you feel about her in your eyes anyway so tell her face to face. :)

And if it doesn't work out then it still should make no difference to how you feel as friends, you can go on the same as always and who knows what the future holds? If you don't tell her how you feel now, if you go your whole life without telling her then you're going to always be in doubt about 'what if?' . That's my twopennyworth anyway, just take a deep breath and be honest. :)

[Weatherman]

Roll the dice. It sounds like the odds are in your favor. As for your brother, he's a bit of a pig IMO. Just go with what you feel is right, and it seems that asking her to be your gf on Valentines day would be a really nice twist. ;)

[ZorBrak]

Tell her how you feel and do it now. Sometimes the biggest mistakes we make are the risks we don't take...trust me I had to learn learn this the hard way.

[Failure]

Nice advice Fiona! :)

Go for it dj, you've got little to lose here and so much potential gain. Worst case scenario: If you two really are best friends, then even if you tell her and things get wacky awkward, you two will work it out and continue your friendship.

I know it's scary, but the only thing worse than rejection is regret. Good luck!

[Fiona]

Originally posted by Failure
Nice advice Fiona! :)


Why, thank you. I do try. :D

[Andy Mancini]

Originally posted by Weatherman
As for your brother, he's a bit of a pig IMO.
He can be, but his intentions are good. My brother Danny, despite the fact that Angela is one of his best friends, is convinced that Angela is way too selfish to be in a real relationship and will end up ripping my heart out. The problem is that he explains everything by using a euphamism for sex.

[sKorpia]

Now, I was going to tell you to go for it since she's already acting like your girlfriend...but then I read your last post. Which got me to thinking (a dangerous pasttime, I know):

Define "like your girlfriend". If this means PDA in the form of hand holding as well as high level of comfort when you are in her personal space, then it's a good sign. I don't know about other girls but, if I'm with a good guy friend and want it to stay that way, hand-holding is an automatic no since it's also a form of cock (can I say that here?)-blocking. Even my ultra-flirty roommate won't hold her guy friends' hands if she's somewhere public (like a mall) and wants to look available. Bottom line: she seems to think she's your girlfriend too. If this is the case, you're pretty good to go.

However, while your bro may not be the most eloquent, why would he think that this girl is too selfish? Cuz I can tell you right now, if she's the type of girl who is going to need you constantly (think weekly 3-hour drives to see her meaning no free weekend time for just you and your buddies), then a long-distance relationship will not work. If you don't feel that she is like this, you don't think that she will become the clingy-jealous type and you don't think that you'll become the jealous-overpossessive type, then once again, I say go for it. But some tips for long-distance: 1) cell phones for the both of you with free nights and weekends and free mobile-to-mobile if you can swing it and 2) e-mail little notes occasionally to each other (this is a 2-way street). Both of these things have helped me and my bf cope when we're separated.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Andy Mancini]

Originally posted by sKorpia
Define "like your girlfriend". If this means PDA in the form of hand holding as well as high level of comfort when you are in her personal space, then it's a good sign.
Angela can be a very uptight person at times. There are certain things a person can say, and certain things they can't. If a person says or does something she doesn't like, she'll get pretty upset. She does this with everyone: my bother, her friends at school, even her own family, but not to me. She always seems really loose when we're alone, moreso than when other people are around. As for PDA, there really isn't any. She's not a "touchy-feely" person, and, truth be told, neither am I. To put it bluntly, she hates all physical human contact unless it's necessary. Still, I am the only one that can touch her and be in her space without her getting uncomfortable (her parents and cats excluded).

Originally posted by sKorpia
However, while your bro may not be the most eloquent, why would he think that this girl is too selfish? Cuz I can tell you right now, if she's the type of girl who is going to need you constantly (think weekly 3-hour drives to see her meaning no free weekend time for just you and your buddies), then a long-distance relationship will not work. If you don't feel that she is like this, you don't think that she will become the clingy-jealous type and you don't think that you'll become the jealous-overpossessive type, then once again, I say go for it.
There are two types of people in my family: empaths and cynics. Danny falls in the "cynics" category. He always expects the worst. To his credit, Angela does seem to talk about herself more around me than she does around everyone else, but I don't think it's selfishness. I think she just feel comfortable "spilling her guts" to me, that all. As for the rest, she's a lot of things, but "clingy" isn't one of them.

Originally posted by sKorpia
But some tips for long-distance: 1) cell phones for the both of you with free nights and weekends and free mobile-to-mobile if you can swing it and 2) e-mail little notes occasionally to each other (this is a 2-way street).
We're both nerds who spend a good amount of our free time in front of, by, or close to, a computer screen. Contact like this is not a problem. :)

[Weatherman]

Sounds like a good match then. :) Also sounds like Angela has a few self-confidence issues, but I'm fairly certain you can help her out with those, heheh. ;)

[sKorpia]

Well, everything you've said just reinforces my (and most likely, the general) belief that you guys simply need to make it "official". She's not touchy-feeling, but you're an exception for her. And she feels like she can talk about herself, the good and the bad, around you because 1) you're actually interested and really listening and 2) she knows you won't go all judgmental on her. (Of course, that was purely my speculation but it holds true for myself, at least.) Yeah, I'd say you're good to go. :)

[Andy Mancini]

I know this thread is is already on page four, but I wanted to post an update. I finally told her I felt - kind of. We were in line to buy popcorn at the movie thearter when the topic came up. I know it isn't the most "romantic" place, but it worked. Here is how the conversation went:

Angela: "I don't know why I even bother with trying to have a boyfriend. Everyone thinks that, not only are we meant to be together, that I should be having little Andy babies right now or something."

Me: "Now that we're on the subject, I - "

Angela: "I know. I know what you feel. You're like the perfect guy, and it makes me wonder why we aren't... you know."

Me: "I just wanted - "

Angela: "I know. Trust me."

Me: "So, are we..."

Angela: "Yes, Andy, we are. Let's not think about it, as thinking about this subject will make our heads explode, and I seriously doubt that the employees would want our grey matter dirting up their clean theater."
So I guess I'm going out with her officially now. Nothing will change in our relationship, except for the fact that I can call her my girlfriend without lying. I'd like to thank everyone for their help. It's nice to hear opinions from people outside of family and close friends.