When is it over?

[DisneyBoy]

I'm a romantic. A hopeless one to boot, since I've never actually had a girlfriend or really confessed my interest in a direct way with a positive result. Simply put, I'm as virgin as virgin can be.

And there's this girl....Ah, there's always a girl in these stories, isn't there? We've been friends...well...acquaintances(?) for nearly seven years now. I've endured her many boyfriends, cold shoulder and excuses all through High School. One day we'd be making jokes and having a grand old time, and the next I felt like I didn't exist. And there are so many wonderful memories. Dancing at grad, private jokes and fond farewells have come and gone, and so has she, and I don't know how to feel anymore. I'd like to be with someone who love me, but can she be it? Ever? How long is too long? When should the quest end? We're closer now than before, thanks to email, but she's studying abroad. Should I hold out in hopes for something more? Should I just be happy to be her friend? Should I say goodbye and free myself, grow up and start looking for real opportunities? Help me please.

[James]

I think you are at a good point. Stay in contact and see if it grows. You didn't have anything before, so it's not like it's a step back, enjoy your life, get on with living but keep in contact. Something may develop one day, but if there is not even a hint of romantic interest from her part, you can't live your life solely on hope alone.

Enjoy your days and I hope it does change, but until she ever admits to similar feelings I'd enjoy the emails and enjoy your own life. Don't force things.

[DisneyBoy]

:) Thanks. I needed that.

[TimTwoFace]

Hey Disneyboy, I made a friend in a class of mine a few years back, and after class we exchanged e-mail addresses. Over the next few months we e-mailed back and forth; in that time she moved away to study abroad, and when she returned from Montreal about a year later, our friendship had really grown and we'd become a bit of an item. Not anything official, but hey, the groundwork was there.

Of course, her attitude changed and we eventually had a rather quick (and messy, because it WAS so quick) break-up, but that's not my point. The point is that if you REALLY know this person and if this continuous contact with her is bringing the two of you closer, then if you feel its right, go for it. If she shoots you down for whatever reason, brush it off and just continue being friends.

Remember, all great relationships, at their most simple level, are great friendships.

-Tim

[Barb Gordon]

Have you ever just asked her out? She sounds like a great girl, and it also sounds like the two of you have a very firm and loving friendship. But really, girls can be clueless to feelings that guys have about them, especially the ones they're best friends with. It's like sometimes we get completely blinded by friendship and it never occurs to us to look at this person in THAT kinda way. She may only see you as a friend, but there's a good chance that she's never even thought about looking at you in any other way. Asking her out to a movie or coffee couldn't hurt.

~Barb

[Patrick Bateman]

I'll tell you right now. The absolute best thing you can do is to be honest about your feelings for her. If after that, she still wants to just be friends, then so be it. But it sounds like she really has a special place in your heart, and you'll more than likely end up kicking yourself in the future if you never make an attempt to have anything with her. You seem like a really nice and considerate person, and I think you owe it to yourself to do this. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be happy, especially if it's with someone who you (here comes the 'L' bomb) love. As long as you mean it, and I have no doubt that you do by the way you've spoken of her, then no harm can come of this.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck! Here's hoping for the best. :)



-@

[cross blues]

If you really think it could be something, then you can't let her go until you find out.

[DisneyBoy]

Well, I really can't thank you guys enough for supporting me through this...odd time. Sadly, I've never really been completely upfront with her about my feelings. There have been times where I suggested she and I go catch a movie or hang out, but something always came up, and she'd end up apologizing later.

I think she's known for a long time. Sometime in High School maybe, but I can't be sure. I think what prompted my post was her recent return to town. I called her on New Years to see what her plans were (I'd left my schedule open just in case I could be with her), and she ended up doing her own thing. I went off with my parents to a dance with my aunts and uncles, while my sis and cousins partied with their friends, and the shin-dig turned out to be more fun that I'd expected. Near Midnight, though I gave her a ring on the cell phone, and made her promise she'd make time to see me (as pushy as that sounds). She's back in school abroad now, and sent me an email of apology.

I feel like all the answers are staring me right in the face. If we've known one another for seven years, and she's making time to see me, isn't that a sign that she has better things to do? Yet, whenever she sends me an email, I can't help but smile. I think it may be better for me to stop pretending this relationship will blossom into true love, or even a first kiss. Life isn't a Disney movie. I need to grow up, and take a hint. Telling her I've been interested in her for seven years won't help nuture a long-distance courtship, and chances are we'll end up going our seperate ways eventually. I should treasure the fact that she's even keeping in touch with me, stay friends, and look elsewhere.

I really wish I could have what it is you had Tim, with your gal. At least you were able to kiss or hug her or just lie down on a couch together, even if it didn't work out perfectly. At least you had a taste of what it was you had hoped for, and in the end, were able to remain friends. As much as prozzak and BYO are right - I DO want to just DO something about how I feel, even if it doesn't make sense - I know I won't let myself. I don't have serious social problems (as far as I know), but I think I'm forcing myself to hold onto the dream because the reality may be far worse.

Maybe that's why I should just stop writing her, and move on. I don't know...

[TimTwoFace]

Just go for it, Disneyboy. You needn't go over the top with a sonnet, getting on your knees, or using flowers or anything like that...yet. Just be simple and honest, and see what happens. :)

-Tim

[Captain Yurika]

Originally posted by TimTwoFace
Remember, all great relationships, at their most simple level, are great friendships.

-Tim [/B]

That's REALLY great advice Tim. And very true. I think being friends with a person helps to build up something later since you know each so well. Good luck!

[JohnCrichton]

I hate to be the pessimist here, but..... well, I've had relationships like this and so have alot of my friends.

They're good friends no doubt, but in all instances that's all they ever amounted to.

Keep the torch you have burning for her in a shrine and if she wants to come to it, she will, but I wouldn't hold it for her.... I'm sorry, but I've never seen one of these kind of relationships work out except for in 80's movies.

I hope your story ends differently than mine did, but I think the best thing you can do is not hold your breath on this one.

If she was interested in more, then she would've come around by now.... :(

I hope to God I'm wrong, but just remember that that ending quite possible to happen as well as this girl finally coming around.

[RogueMartian]

I don't think you're being a pessimist JC. From what Disney boy said I would agree that he should just consider her a friend and leave it at that. If she felt anything for him, she probably wouldn't have had other boyfriends or she would have said something. She probably sees you and a friend, and if she's the cool person you think she is, then you should be happy for that and seek relationships elsewhere.

I could be wrong, and it would be very romantic if he declared his feelings for her openly and she said she felt the same way. But to do that you have to tell her how you feel and if she says she doesn't feel the same way you may lose her as a friend, because it might make things kinda awkward between you. Its up to you to determine whether there is a risk and whether or not its worth it.

I think JC put it very well in his post.

[Failure]

DB, I speak from personal experience. And here's what I think. You could lay out your feelings for her. If she reciprocates.. great! Then no problems! But if she doesn't reciprocate, it becomes a test of friendship. How good are you two as friends? You never know until the bonds are tested. If she doesn't reciprocate, yeah things are gonna be awkward, maybe downright uncomfortable. And you two might have to take a break from each other. But if you two are good friends, the friendship will survive. It might seem dead for a while, but it will survive. But if the friendship doesn't survive, then you realize you two weren't as good as friends as you might've thought. And actually you really don't lose that much.

So should you tell her your feelings? Well, that's up to you. Go with your gut. Good luck. :)

[JohnCrichton]

If you're as good a friends as you say you are, you owe it to her to tell her how you feel. It's what people who care for each other do.

But first and formost don't only be prepared, but be convinced that in all likely hood she will not be coming around. You tell her this because you care about her, not because you want to see if this will convince her to become romantic with you.

So, yeah... tell her, but when you do, you should have all your spiritual bags packed and ready to move on.

[DisneyBoy]

Good news folks. I've decided.

Firstly, I really can't thank you all enough for your support. I agreed with everything you all said, and I regard you as true friends.

She's written me another email of a casual nature, so at least I know she's still cool with keeping in touch. In some way, I always knew that I never had a clue how to tell her how I felt. It's not like you can just walk up to an acquaintance and announce that being around her makes you stutter...so, I'm counting my blessings and moving on as best I can. When she first told me she would be studying abroad, I panicked and tried to decide how to tell her I cared for her...but the best way to do that is to keep in touch, and keep it real. Life isn't one big Disney movie, and it's better for me if I try and look inside to find my happiness, rather than chase after her and end a friendship. It's really taken me a long time to feel like I can let go of my past, including her, and others like her...but I need to look towards my future. We'll keep in touch, and I'll try my best to move on. I just need to keep telling myself:

"...sometimes, when you hold out for everything, you end up with nothing."

...which is, :rolleyes: , a quote from Ally McBeal. Hopefully, there'll be a time when I can just tell her without it being weird, as Tim suggested, or tell her this because you care about her, as you put it, John.


Thanks again guys. I you ever need a verbal hug, you know who to PM ;)

..............................Love DB