Mom Cheating on Dad.. What to do ? [Archive]

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Chris Sanders MSX

07-28-2002, 02:07 AM

Tonight my friend just came to me with some upsetting news. His mother is cheating on his father with some guy(over heard a phone call,when his mom came home crying). My friend is pissed about it big time, madder than I've ever seen him. But at the same time he's really hurt too.

He wants to tell his dad, but he doesn't want to ruin his family. He wants to call his mom out which he now says "He Hates with all his heart". He called me up at a pretty strange hour and was like half in tears and wants advice but I have no idea what to tell him or even how to help him out, If I even can.

So I was wondering what should he do ? And how should I go about helping him, I'm the only person he's going to come to with this, so I think I should do something. Stuff like this is going to damage his self esteem or something, I'm worried.

The only thing we've decided on is that he should definetly punch the guy she's cheating with, in the face because he works with his mom and knew she had a family and everything.

Barb Gordon

07-28-2002, 02:16 AM

No offense to your friend or you, but it isn't really your problem. There are marital problems everyday, and they need to be dealt with by the married couple...kids getting involved is going to only make it worse..much worse. Your friend mentioning anything to his father, or doing anything to the other man, could have awful consequences. If he should talk with anyone, it should be with his mom. Let her know what he knows, his feelings. But in the end, it's really between her and her husband. Of course kids want to do something about it, but it's really not our place as much as we would like it to be. It is a family problem to an extent, but mostly one between a married couple which must be solved by the married couple. The only thing I can say it that you're doing a great job being there for your friend. He'll really need you now to listen to him and help him along, and that's all that should really be done.

~Barb

TimTwoFace

07-28-2002, 03:03 AM

Hmmm...that's a tough situation. First off, I agree with Babs in being there for your buddy - to be willing to stick with someone through such a tough situation is a true sign of friendship.

As for the problem at hand...yeah, punch out the guy if you ever get the chance. That's what I don't understand. I've never lived through a marital problem like this, either with my own parents or any other parents I know, but when one parent is willing to throw their family out the window for their own personal happiness with someone new, it just makes me sick.

I wouldn't tell his father, at least right now. I think that if your friend wants to do anything, as any child probably would, he should go to his mother and just ask her point blank about what's going on. Not rudely, try to keep it calm, as difficult as that may be, and tell her that it hurts, basically. That way she may either A) stop seeing this other guy, or B) stop hiding it from her husband, who, for all intents and purposes, should know about something like this.

That's just my own opinion. I hope there's SOMETHING you can take out of there that you'll find helpful.

-Tim

Chris Sanders MSX

07-28-2002, 03:12 AM

My friend (who's here right now) says he's always expected
something and therefore isn't very close to his mom and doesn't want to hold any secrects between the two, leaving his dad out.

I'm telling him hang in there cause we've really got less than a year before college and he can move away but i can imagine hwo he's going to fill during Birthdays, Holidays, and those times when his mom scolds him for doing something bad knowing she's doing worse things.

I'm kinda pissed about the whole thing, Because i too can't understand how someone can screw over kids like this knwoing the effects it acn have on minds. My friend says his mom told his lil sister(who's 13) all about the infedelity a while ago. The guy should have known better, and i think it's pretty safe tos ay he's getting a swollen jaw.

I understand it's not my problem or his but its' hard to tell someoen who's going through that, that and have them understand. But Brab/Tim your words did make him calm down, and start thinking with a clearer head.

Clayface

07-28-2002, 04:33 AM

Hmmm, not to be a wet blanket here, but frankly, violence isn't going to solve anything. Punching the guy in the face is nothing but stupid macho-ism, and isn't going to help the situation. If your friend really wants help, tell him to go see a counselor who can help him deal with this on an emotional level, so that he doesn't keep it bottled up inside, or let it out in the wrongs ways.

Terminatah

07-28-2002, 07:01 AM

Whether the kid goes straight to his dad, straight to his mom, straight to a counselor, or straight to a dinosaur expert, one thing is certain: this is not information to bottle up. Painful as it may be, I think it's best if the family deals with this problem head-on and starts to get it out of the way, because it's going to blow up eventually. Better sooner than later. But deciding who to go to first really depends on the kid's individual family, so I can't give any advice on that.

If it was me, I'd probably tell the mom that if she didn't tell the dad about it, then I would. This ain't The Bridges of Madison County.

-Terminatah

James

07-28-2002, 08:24 AM

I agree with Barb, stay out of it and just be there for your friend to talk to. At the most, he should talk to the offending party and explain what he knows. This sort of thing can eat at the person, but in no way should he get involved directly in their marital affairs.
If he needs to speak to his mum about this, that's understandable as this sort of trauma affects him as well as his parents, but he shouldn't involve the dad or offer an ultimatium to his mum (as in many TV shows) threatening to expose her.
Let her know how you feel and then be there for both of them. There may be a deeper problem behind it that your friend is unaware with. In any case, this is not his battle or yours. Just be there to listen to his fustration. I'm sure you will.

No punching though. Even from a cynical POV, it won't help and may make things worse. Ever considered it would make the guy look more sympathetic to people if he's attacked?

VashTheStampede

07-28-2002, 08:27 AM

Hmmm, not to be a wet blanket here, but frankly, violence isn't going to solve anything. Punching the guy in the face is nothing but stupid macho-ism, and isn't going to help the situation
Yeah, but he would get punched in the face. It may not help the situation but I don't see how it could hurt the current situation either. Plus it would be very therepuetic to punch the guy who is purposely or not ruining your family.
No offense to your friend or you, but it isn't really your problem.
Trust me, I have a friend whose parents divorced and in the end it always is the childs' problem. Al the advice I have is that your friend should confron his mom about it, or even better the guy she is cheating with and firstly punch him in the face and second try and convince him to call the relationship off. When something like this happens nothing is ever easy.

BLACKHEART

07-28-2002, 08:27 AM

You should spend as much time as possible at his house

Leaping Larry Jojo

07-28-2002, 11:37 AM

VashTheStampede

07-28-2002, 12:33 PM

If he thinks it's worth the possible assault charges, why not?
If he has the gall to press charges against the son of the woman he is having an affair with, it WOULD be worth it.

Leaping Larry Jojo

07-28-2002, 01:44 PM

Originally posted by VashTheStampede

If he has the gall to press charges against the son of the woman he is having an affair with, it WOULD be worth it.

If he's the type to use women, I truly doubt if he cares what happens to his mother or the family if he presses charges. It'll be more his mother's problem than his after the dung hits the fan.

gtracer72

07-28-2002, 01:50 PM

Originally posted by Barb Gordon
No offense to your friend or you, but it isn't really your problem. There are marital problems everyday, and they need to be dealt with by the married couple...kids getting involved is going to only make it worse..much worse. Your friend mentioning anything to his father, or doing anything to the other man, could have awful consequences. If he should talk with anyone, it should be with his mom. Let her know what he knows, his feelings. But in the end, it's really between her and her husband. Of course kids want to do something about it, but it's really not our place as much as we would like it to be. It is a family problem to an extent, but mostly one between a married couple which must be solved by the married couple. The only thing I can say it that you're doing a great job being there for your friend. He'll really need you now to listen to him and help him along, and that's all that should really be done.

~Barb

Ditto, it's not your battle or your family.

James

07-28-2002, 04:28 PM

Originally posted by VashTheStampede

Yeah, but he would get punched in the face. It may not help the situation but I don't see how it could hurt the current situation either. Plus it would be very therepuetic to punch the guy who is purposely or not ruining your family.

Trust me, I have a friend whose parents divorced and in the end it always is the childs' problem. Al the advice I have is that your friend should confron his mom about it, or even better the guy she is cheating with and firstly punch him in the face and second try and convince him to call the relationship off. When something like this happens nothing is ever easy.

No offense Vash, but in my eyes. this sort of reasoning will just make things worse. I agree that it is a family issue, but with all problems involving parents and kids it's complex. The motivations of such dilemma's may be far reaching and non too apparent.

If you want to risk causing far reaching damage to the family beyond what's happening, this will do it. This won't make anything better - except a brief feeling of satisfaction, and even that won't cure your friends pain - it may just make things worse. Especially as it's unlikely to stop or solve the problem between his parents. Afterall that's the issue here. Not that his mothers having the affair, but the fact that she has decided to. No punch will change that. Something is wrong at a deeper level between his parents.

Violence is no cure and may just tip the whole family into a scenerio where there is no chance of return.

Twilight

07-28-2002, 05:29 PM

My parents are having marriage problems for a little over a year now, and it has driven me insane for the first 6 months since it started. From what I've learned the problem belongs to the parents, the children shouldn't be pulled into it. In my situation I didn't see that right away, because one of my parents did pull me into the problem as well as my sisters by threatening our well-being. Now the marital problem has become a family problem. It's a hard situation to be in and very upsetting, but just make sure your friend keeps a cool head and is in control of himself. Bottled up emotions isn't a good thing either. In my case I would explode with a rage that I find scary and it doesn't leave a good impression of myself to others. It's nice to have a friend to talk to and to get away from the house if I needed to as well to calm myself down.

Twilight

07-28-2002, 05:37 PM

Originally posted by SJJ
I agree with Barb, stay out of it and just be there for your friend to talk to. At the most, he should talk to the offending party and explain what he knows. This sort of thing can eat at the person, but in no way should he get involved directly in their marital affairs.
If he needs to speak to his mum about this, that's understandable as this sort of trauma affects him as well as his parents, but he shouldn't involve the dad or offer an ultimatium to his mum (as in many TV shows) threatening to expose her.
Let her know how you feel and then be there for both of them. There may be a deeper problem behind it that your friend is unaware with. In any case, this is not his battle or yours. Just be there to listen to his fustration. I'm sure you will.

No punching though. Even from a cynical POV, it won't help and may make things worse. Ever considered it would make the guy look more sympathetic to people if he's attacked?
I concur with SJJ. This is the best advice I've seen so far. From experience, it's the best way for the children to handle the problem for themselves. Not always easy to follow, but I wish I had followed it more closely.

VashTheStampede

07-28-2002, 06:06 PM

No offense Vash, but in my eyes. this sort of reasoning will just make things worse. I agree that it is a family issue, but with all problems involving parents and kids it's complex. The motivations of such dilemma's may be far reaching and non too apparent.
That is why I am no family therapist. I don't think things through, and I don't look at the consequences of my actions, but that is just me. Most of the time I just make things worse with my actions and my point of view, I can't help that. I am an emotional wasteland, I don't feel for other people nor do I care to. But I do have a sense of morals and of right and wrong, and while violence may not solve problems it paves the path to a solution. :p

I'm so sad. :( :( Please love me. :p

Mad Scientist

07-28-2002, 08:53 PM

This "other guy" that your friend's mother's cheating on... Does he KNOW that she's a mother and has kid(s)? If he doesn't, then tell him. That way, he'll know that he's dating the wrong person and think, "It's not right to marry someone who already is," and they'll break up.

If he DOES know, however, then lie and tell him that your friend's mother has AIDS, and make your friend pretend he was born sick because of her disease and put up a real show. :D

Majin_Megabyte

07-28-2002, 08:57 PM

I just want to said I feel sorry for your friend dude.

Chris Sanders MSX

07-28-2002, 09:14 PM

Leaping Larry Jojo

07-28-2002, 09:33 PM

JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

"Here's my Final Thought: I'm a bespectacled idiot." :p

Weatherman

07-29-2002, 01:42 AM

He's married too?! :eek: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

Just be there for your friend Chris, and if he really feel the need to hit something, find a punching bag for him to beat the stuffing out of, then confront both of them, notehr and the other guy with the info that he knows. No threats at first, but let them know that he knows and see what they do. Best of luck Chris, you and your friend will need it. :(

TimTwoFace

07-29-2002, 02:19 AM

Originally posted by Weatherman
He's married too?! :eek: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

That was exactly my reaction, too. Doesn't anyone have ANY morals any more? Doesn't marriage mean anything? Ugh.

Either way, ultimately, just be there for your friend...that's all you should do personally, Chris - and he should do nothing more than confront his mother.

-Tim

James

07-29-2002, 05:39 AM

Originally posted by Mad Scientist
This "other guy" that your friend's mother's cheating on... Does he KNOW that she's a mother and has kid(s)? If he doesn't, then tell him. That way, he'll know that he's dating the wrong person and think, "It's not right to marry someone who already is," and they'll break up.

If he DOES know, however, then lie and tell him that your friend's mother has AIDS, and make your friend pretend he was born sick because of her disease and put up a real show. :D

That's pretty sick and unethical MS. Regardless of the scenerio. Start playing immoral games like that and you descend below the guy in question. Especially when the circumstance is so unclear.

As for the guy being married... well, so is the friends mother and it takes two to tango. There seems to be a great assumption that it's only the man to blame. The mother consented - and for all we know, was the one who began the relationship.

It's easy to blame the outsider. It's harder to blame no one and just deal with the situation as best as possible.

Sandro

07-29-2002, 04:54 PM

I concur. This isn't your battle; this is your friend's battle. The only thing you can really do for him is be supportive.

JetMaster5

07-29-2002, 07:32 PM

It's a scary world out there...

Don't you just hate reality sometimes? You find the person you love only to find out that that person is cheating on you. Then you find out that the person he/she's cheating is actually married and that person that's married to the cheater doesn't know either.

Oh well, at least the good thing is that it'll set an example for your friend. I reckon he/she won't even think about cheating on another ever.

"Good things can come out of bad things."

Cherry

07-29-2002, 08:04 PM

probably too late for my comments to mean anything, but I just HAD to comment on the urge to punch the guy in the face...

There have been people here who encourage it, and those who don't... I personally side with those that reccommend he does NOT take violent action against the man.

However, if he were to resot to violence..... I'd have to say the mother also deserves a punch in the face. Who knows who might have instigated the affair, and the truth of the matter is that an affair takes TWO people, so the whole thing isn't just this man's fault. Both really deserve a punch in ther face if you think about it :(

Err

07-29-2002, 08:56 PM

I believe that people who do rotten things like your friend's mother is doing will always come back and bite then on the butt.
If this has gone on for a long time then your friend's mother is also a liar as well as a cheater. I personaly hate liars really bad. I think your friend should go to a professional who can deal with the situation. Your friend was also right in coming to you because there would be problems down the road if your friend kept this bottled up.

Where's my whiskey I'm gonna get tore up :p

The Old Maid

07-30-2002, 07:05 PM

Originally posted by Chris Sanders MSX
Tonight my friend just came to me with some upsetting news. His mother is cheating on his father with some guy ... My friend is p.o.'d about it big time, madder than I've ever seen him. But at the same time he's really hurt too.

What an awful situation. Where to start?

The only thing we've decided on is that he should definitely punch the guy she's cheating with (in the face), because he works with the mom and knew she had a family.

I guess that's as good a place to start as any. The no-punch faction are right. For one second of pleasure there would be days of grief -- maybe even years. Think about it : what if Mom and Loverboy eventually dump their mutual spouses and make their relationship both public and permanent? This guy could become part of their lives. Hitting him makes that situation not only disgusting, but scary. Suppose Loverboy decides to retaliate?

I'll also second SJJ's warning that hitting the man could make him a sympathetic figure. It could drive Mom into Loverboy's arms just as a teenager might cling to a forbidden friendship or romance simply because "no one tells me what to do." You think adults aren't dumb enough to play those teenage games? They are.

He wants to tell his dad, but he doesn't want to ruin his family.

You mean, ruin a family in which no one tells the truth? The family in which children are asked to choose which parent to support and which one to reject?

My friend says he's always expected something.

Now this is problematic. If your friend has observed clues, whether subliminal or blatantly exhibitionist, what makes him think Dad doesn't know?

It may be that Dad has always known and that pretending there's no problem is HOW Dad is choosing to respond to the situation.

I was going to say, "Barring physical proof, such as a photo of Mom and Loverboy in a compromising position, can your friend actually prove there is an affair and that he hasn't misunderstood the situation?" -- but then I read this little item :

My friend says his mom told his little sister (who's 13) all about the infidelity a while ago.

I'm going to be frank. What Mom did constitutes emotional abuse of her little girl and may also constitute sexual abuse. This woman has NO RIGHT to use her child as a confidante for her sexual escapades. Does a child really need to know that "this man satisfies me in ways your father cannot" -- no.

Finally, Mom's big mouth and Dad's deafening silence send the message that these parents are only staying together for the sake of the children. It's a classic way to shift the blame to the children. No wonder your friend feels obligated to fix his family. Someone is sending the message that it's his job.

How should I go about helping him? I'm the only person he's going to come to with this. I'm worried.

The first way to help is to help him calm down. I'm not saying to minimize the problem. No, he's going to need to make some hard decisions and if he's running on emotion they could be the wrong ones.

originally posted by SJJ

If he needs to speak to his mum about this, that's understandable as this sort of trauma affects him as well as his parents, but he shouldn't involve the dad or offer an ultimatum to his mum (as in many TV shows) threatening to expose her.

Again, I agree. These adults have demonstrated supreme selfishness, vulgarity, and a profound disrespect for the psychological boundaries of their children. Ethical questions aside, I doubt threats would even work on such creatures.

I'm telling him hang in there because we're really got less than a year before college and he can move away.

Why wait that long? If he can find a way to leave now, I say do it. I know, I know. Teenagers always dream of moving out, but it's usually along the lines of "I'm angry because Mommy and Daddy won't buy me a pony." However, your friend has a legitimate reason. His family's situation could actually warp him -- sour him on love and marriage and trust of any kind in any relationship. Worse, his little sister could be stuck in that house for another five years. She could grow up thinking that such hideous marriages are normal. That increases the odds that she will build such a marriage herself.

Your friend would do well to find some trusted relatives for both the kids to spend the rest of the summer with. Use the "we miss you / we hardly see you" excuse. I don't mean mooch off the relatives. He should get a job or otherwise earn his keep. Once the children are in someone else's house, behaving quietly and being a pleasure to have around, that might give the kids some leverage to spend as much time as possible there.

It would also put an end to the excuse "we're staying together for the sake of the children." Perhaps if Dad and Mom were trapped in the same house with no one to talk to but each other, it might force them to resolve the situation. At minimum, it keeps the children out of the line of fire.

Your friend cannot fix the problems of his parents. He can only try to fix his own problems : his bitterness, his feelings of helplessness, and his concerns for his sister. Let the children "go on strike." Let them spend as little time as possible in that home, no more than required by law. They have the right to have good parents and good parenting, and if they can't find it at home, they have the right to seek it from other relatives or even from the parents of friends.

Be there for your friend. It may not feel like you're "fixing" any problem, but you are, by being there for him.

Once your friend and his sister are exposed to positive adult role models, their mood should improve. They deserve better.

James

07-30-2002, 07:21 PM

Originally posted by The Old Maid

Now this is problematic. If your friend has observed clues, whether subliminal or blatantly exhibitionist, what makes him think Dad doesn't know?

That's very true. Everyone assumes the father doesn't know. Often those in unbalanced relationships are aware or suspect but either refuse to see the truth, or elect not to deal with the issue.

Which is another reason why things could get messy. He may already know and for his own reasons not want it to surface. When it all hits the fan your friend does not want to be in the firing line. It could just ruin any future relationship with his parents. A good reason to stay clear. Feelings change and the friend needs to keep his future relationship with his parents as open as possible - he won't know how he'll feel about them in a few years time.

Chris Sanders MSX

07-30-2002, 07:31 PM

You guys have no idea how much you've helped my friend. I swear we did all this work to find out where this guy lives and were going to tell his wife about the whole thing after beating this guy down but after reading what you guys wrote we dropped the plan.

I didn't even think about all the repocutions that would happen with each action we would take. telling the wife in the manner we were going to do it would make things worse, and I think jumping him would have only put us in a life ruining situation. I was thinking we could hit him and be done but then there's the pressing of charges and everything.

I doubt if my friend is ever going to comfront his mom, he's really set against it. He doesn't know what tos ay and doesn't want to say anything. He just says he's always going to hate his mother, and hopefully she'll get the point before graduation next year.

I know this isn't my fight or my family but thing is I've suspected similar things about my mom and it just hits VERY close to home. I don't know how else to explain it.

James

07-30-2002, 07:38 PM

I think that's a mature attitude. I sympathise, I've never been too sure of my father's past so I can relate to this in a small way. As long as you are there as a mate to whom he can vent his fustration (and perhaps vise versa it sounds) then I think that will be the best cure for a incurable situation.

Weatherman

07-31-2002, 12:18 AM

Good to see your friend is handling this in a somewhat constructive way. Still, he will eventually need to confront his mom about this. Just letting it fester inside is going to eat him alive. :( I guess hacking it out for a year till graduation is the only option, unless a relative is willing to take him in. I feel for your friend Chris. Hope he makes it out ok, his sis too.

Mad Scientist

07-31-2002, 06:17 AM

Originally posted by Chris Sanders MSX

I doubt if my friend is ever going to comfront his mom, he's really set against it. He doesn't know what tos ay and doesn't want to say anything. He just says he's always going to hate his mother, and hopefully she'll get the point before graduation next year.

No. People shouldn't keep things sealed up tight, like a volcano. Believe me, when there's too much force to hold and the volcano erupts, they'll be in their worst behavior ever. Trust me on this one. It's happened to me before on several occassions.

The Old Maid

07-31-2002, 02:02 PM

I agree the friend should talk to someone, but Mom isn't it. Clearly she's spoiling for a fight, or she wouldn't be doing so many things to get caught.

The friend should talk to an adult who will keep his confidences. I've heard people suggest counseling, but aside from the fact that the son is hardly the crazy one in the family, he may not be able to afford it. Maybe a religious figure he trusts would be a better choice.

Best wishes.

JohnStewart-GL

07-31-2002, 02:07 PM