Insecurities and Self- Esteem

[Chris Sanders MSX]

Self Esteem
Well this isn't about me. Seriously. When it comes to self esteem, I'm a pretty together guy. Heck, I'll admit I'm a little full of myself. I also know my limitations and I share the standard fears of most teams, but nothing that's serious.

However I have a friend who is very insecure and kind of shouldn't be. I mean he asked peoples advice(especially me) on every single thing imaginable. He trys to hard to impress people and almost every school year has a new way to attempt to make himself better.. "He wants to be a pretty boy" "He NEEDS contacts" ..ect. He gets paranoid about every thing.

Four days ago he went nuts asking everyone if his breath always "stanked" .. i honestly told him I'm never that close to you to know.. But he kept going.. be honest. Like he needs me to say yes.

He tells pointless, obvious lies in order to fit in. The one most in my mind was about sleeping with his girlfriend..who dumped him because of the lie.

The whole reason I'm writing this Is because of what happened Today. This girl and i were talking about what we talk about every day... just random stuff.. We some how got on the topic of
(Censored) and my friend who was listening to us, started going nuts.. After he was done My friend decided to pay this girl 20 dollars to judge him.

Talk about insecurities. I felt so bad I wanted to say something but Erica kicked me from under the table to stop me.

I feel really bad for this guy and i have no idea how to help him. I've given him advice and tried a positive outlook in everything but he never changes. Every year it seems to get worse and he's my friend so I feel like I have to do something and today's incident made that all the more clearly to me.

Where does this type of thing come from ? I mean he's an alright guy, He thinks he's ugly but he admitedly looks better than I do, the only thing wrong with him could be his speech impedimet where he switches his p's with d's sometimes but he's done alright with it and it's only one thing..The guy goes nuts about everything.


What do you or did you do to curb your esteem problems and what would you advise I do about my friend ?

[kiddiesunshine]

is the guy's name torrence or mookie? i know a guy like that in chi-town.
anyway, i used to be afraid of close contact in middle school. my teacher told everyone i stink, so i never did close stuff.
i was also teased about my walk, which had a switch to it. even though it's gone, i still don't like people walking behind me.
did i mention i'm slightly overweight? but i'm pretty secure. why not be? i get women. stalkers evan.

[Chris Sanders MSX]

The guys name is Evertt.

[Barb Gordon]

I'd say that I had a lot of insecurities, ones that I didn't need, but that I had a high self esteem. I'm a very optimistic, sunny, peppy, happy person, but at the same time there were things about me that I thought just HAD to be fixed. let's see....there were my teeth that bothered me, then I got braces....and then that bugged me even though I wanted them to have better teeth. The braces came off and my teeth look great, but then I didn't think they looked white enough. So I got whitener, and now they look even better, if I do say so myself. There was my complexion which one day I love, and the day I hate. The same with my hair. At the same time there were my eyes, the eye color and being able to see. I have glasses and contacts, and I can not wait to be able to dor LASIK. I like my eye color, but sometimes I wish it could be more blue like some other girls have, or more green, or more....well, you get the point. And then, the one that bugs me the most, which sometimes I'm fine with, and sometimes I'm not, is my nose. It's not a bad nose...but it's not a nose that I see most girls with. Most girls have that kind of nose where the bridge is either flat, or it curves in. A lot of actresses have that kind of nose, and so do a lot of my friends. I love that kind of nose, but I don't have that kind. I've got my dad's nose, and I love my dad, but his nose is meant for a guy, so I think. The bridge of my nose curves out, which I hate....I don't know, I guess I don't think it looks feminine enough or something, I do know that I hate my side profile. Quite a lot of insecurities huh? And they're all really stupid, I know that, and I've been told that, yet sometimes I still think about them. If I had a low self esteem I would probably dwell on them alot, but I don't. I think, hey, all around I'm pretty good looking. Everyone is different, deal with it for goodness sakes! And I do. Thank god for self esteem classes in fourth grade...they were dorky, and kids didn't pay attention to it back them, but I think it worked.

Barb^-^

[Failure]

CSMSX, I think your friend could have some kind of psychological problem. I dont mean to play dime store psychologist (believe me, I know nothing!), but I think his actions and worries are beyond your normal insecurities and low self-esteem. It's a cause for worry.

[DR. BELCH]

My self-esteem is usually pretty good, although four years ago a girl actually walked out on me saying she had to take her mother to work and never called me again, which really caused it to take a hit. I never was sure if she didn't like my appearance or if she was mad at me because I was kind of seeing another woman on the side...my family's always trying to get me to shave my beard and dress differently, but I don't think that was really the issue with her. Towards the end she started becoming jealous and clingy and overaffectionate, like she was really getting desperate to not lose me--which only served to make her walk-out even more strange. She may have had issues (though it doesn't mean I care any less about her)....

[optimal321]

I'll never be arrogant enough to pretend i really know what goes on in people's heads and to make judgement on that, but here are my two cents. It sounds like, for some reason, the only attention your friend is used to recieving is in the form of pity. It kinda sounds like he sets himself up to hear compliments from others by setting his self-esteem lower. Then if it doesn't work and he gets more hurt, he'll recieve more pity from people like you.

Personally, i hate pity. I'm even afraid to try and talk to people about my problems because of my pride. And i think that i really hate the fact that i appreciate the attention i get when people do pity me.

I know that a lot of time i think about things like your friend. However, i also know that it is unimportant what other people think. And i am probably one of the lonliest, most pathetic, most whateverest person you may meet. But i know enough to change the things about me that i don't like and to accept everything else.

I'd hate to offer you advice based on my presumptions, which may very well be not true, but i'd try to not sympathize too much. I really don't know how to explain it, but you need to be mean in a nice way. You can't just get on his case about his low confidence, but you can't always pity him either. He's your friend, and you know him much better than i do, so hopefully you can figure something out.

But, what do i know?

[Leaping Larry Jojo]

You know, I'd figure that if he has a girlfriend, he wouldn't have any issues. Works for most formerly insecure males...

I can't say I'd be a good friend who gives good advice in this case. Though occasionally I've been complemented (even here on this board) on my occasional ability to string together an original, thoughtful piece of advice, most of my friends would simply get my male piece of advice--

"Who cares? You look like crap, so live with it."

:p

[Squall]

I'm confident in every other arena of my life (intelligence, work skills, people skills, etc.), but I'll admit I'm shy around the ladies. Always have been. Probably always will be. It has a lot to do with the fact that I never liked the way I looked.

On the plus side, though, I have had a few girlfriends in my lifetime, and I've been told I look OK, and that my blue eyes are very sexy. :D However, Chris Sanders MSX, I gotta go with Failure on this one, your friend goes way beyond just being shy and insecure. And I'm an Engineer, not a Psychologist (did I just sound like Dr. McCoy on 'Star Trek'?), so take my comments with a grain of salt too. :)

[Chris Sanders MSX]

Any advice given is good and welcome. I know you guys aren't Doctors and all but I just wanted to see if other normal people were seeing what i was seeing....so that Icould help him the best way possible.

You know, I'd figure that if he has a girlfriend, he wouldn't have any issues. Works for most formerly insecure males...

I did too, because when ever I have a girlfriend my confidense goes way up... Heck even a successful day of flirting does that(like today).. But some how it doesn't work, I mean with his last girlfriend he asked me my advice on how she looks...

We've even both dated the same girl before. My freshman year of HS I had just broken up with another girlfriend and this girl came up to me and we just started dating shortly afterward... As I got to know her i found her to be one those unstable, user types and dumped.. I found out that my friend had once dated her and he had went through the same stuff but she wound up dumping him..


Then there was another girl that dumped him after a week, and of course the one that dumped him after he lied about them sleeping together.

So i guess that could be a reason why even having a girl won't help...

[hello_lola]

I've known people like that - it's like they're not happy until you say "Yes, you're rank, no one likes you", so I guess that you couldn't say that they were fishing for compliments. Personally, I've never been a big fan of personal remarks of any sort, be they insulting or complimentary. Besides, if I feel stinky or unattractive, or whatever, having someone say "Oh, you're fine" is not going to make me feel any better, so why even ask?

[Zechs]

I totally agree. Why should you care waht others think of you. I learned early in life what other people think of you doesn't matter.