Jokes

[ElBarto]

I have seen this thread dozens of times but instead of bumping a really old topic....Got any jokes?

[Dr.Pepper]

There once was a woman who gave birth to identicle twin boys that she put up for adoption. A Spanish speaking couple adopted the first one and named him Juan and a Muslim couple adopted the second one and named him Jamaal. Twenty years later the women wanted to see her sons so she got in touch with the Spanish couple who sent her a picture of Juan. She was like "Ok now I want to see the Jamaal" They were like "Once you've seen Juan you've seen Jamaal"

[ElBarto]

...eh...

This guy walks into a heavy metal bar...ouch!

[PRdude]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

What do you get when you cross an insomniac with a dyslexic with an agnostic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

How do we know that Adam and Eve weren't black?
Ever tried taking a rib from a black guy?

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because her man kicked her out.

Did you hear about the gay midget?
He came out of the cupboard.

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

[RD!]

[03:21] <Landstander> Chibi have i told you about the man from Manitoba Canad
[03:21] <Landstander> a
[03:21] <Landstander> who always wanted to see the circus
[03:22] *** MDawg957 Quit (Quit: Peace and Protection 4.22)
[03:22] <ChibiLain> No Joe.
[03:22] <ChibiLain> Please do.
[03:23] <Landstander> well you see
[03:23] <Landstander> there was this guy in Manitoba Canada
[03:23] <Landstander> and he always wanted to see the circus
[03:23] <Landstander> but being in Manitoba Canada, the circus doesn't come around much
[03:23] <Landstander> and being from a respectable farming family, he was far away from any civilization
[03:23] <Landstander> though he had his connections, namely his magazines
[03:23] <Landstander> he would read of events in the city, and dream
[03:24] <Landstander> then one day, he reads that, the circus is coming!
[03:24] <Landstander> this is a hard decision
[03:24] <Landstander> but he decides that he will have to leave his home, for the city
[03:24] <Landstander> to see his blessed circus
[03:24] <Landstander> this is around age 18 mind you
[03:24] <ChibiLain> If this is either A) a long joke with a corny punch line or B) the aristocrats (ie, same thing), I will probably kill you.
[03:24] <Landstander> so his father wishes him well
[03:24] <Landstander> and tells him to keep the family honor
[03:24] <Landstander> a phrase that would stick with him his whole life
[03:24] <Landstander> anyway, he goes to Ticketmaster and gets his seat
[03:24] <ChibiLain> Because this sounds so familiar.
[03:24] <Landstander> seat 11A i believe
[03:24] <Landstander> anyway
[03:25] <Landstander> he goes and he sees the lions
[03:25] <Landstander> and the acrobats
[03:25] <Landstander> and the dogs that jump through hoops
[03:25] <Landstander> and the circusmaster
[03:25] <Landstander> and then the clowns come out, in a ridiculously tiny car
[03:25] <Landstander> and they play around
[03:25] <Landstander> and one takes out a parchment and reads, as a proclamation
[03:25] <Landstander> "Would the person in seat 11A please stand up?"
[03:25] <Landstander> our hero checks his seat...
[03:25] <Landstander> its 11A!
[03:25] <Landstander> he stands
[03:25] <Landstander> the clown tells him
[03:26] <Landstander> "Well there's the horse's ass, now where's the rest?"
[03:26] <Landstander> the crowd bursts out laughing
[03:26] <Landstander> our hero, however, is destroyed
[03:26] <Landstander> the words of his father echo in his head
[03:26] <Landstander> "honor...family..."
[03:26] <ChibiLain> I have totally heard this before. Probably here. Don't remember how it ends.
[03:26] <Landstander> after a few days and a near suicide attempt
[03:26] <Landstander> he decides that he isn't going to give up
[03:26] <Landstander> and that this
[03:26] <Landstander> will not
[03:26] <Landstander> happen
[03:26] <Landstander> again
[03:26] <Landstander> but where does one begin searching for information?
[03:27] <Landstander> he checks Wikipedia, and types in "quick wit retort"
[03:27] <Landstander> he's given a rundown and some graffiti
[03:27] <Landstander> but also, a list of colleges
[03:27] <StrawberryJam> I like that wikipedia has come into this joke
[03:27] <Landstander> with the various movements within academia, certain sections of English have been expanded at different universities
[03:27] <Landstander> experimental, perhaps. but that's how a lot of great studies begin
[03:27] <Landstander> anyway
[03:27] <Landstander> he finds that a small community college in Warchester New Hampshire is running a course
[03:28] <Landstander> an online course, of course
[03:28] <Landstander> he figures, "What the ****! I'll do it!"
[03:28] <Landstander> he begins taking under the guidance of Professor Hal Valedrome
[03:28] <Landstander> Valedrome sees his work, and notices something
[03:28] <Landstander> our hero isn't just going by the books here
[03:28] <Landstander> he has his own style, that i would dare not describe
[03:28] <Landstander> Valedrome is inspired. this man could be his protege!
[03:29] <StrawberryJam> Joe can I add a comment here?
[03:29] <Landstander> in an unheard move in Warchester, our hero is shipped out to the college and given a full scholarship
[03:29] <Landstander> and god
[03:29] <Landstander> he does even better!
[03:29] <Landstander> enough that this once experimental study field has become a full blown academic extravaganza
[03:29] <Landstander> enough that even Harvard begins teaching it
[03:29] <ChibiLain> I feel like I'm sitting on the floor and uncle Joe is in a rocking chair telling me a story.
[03:29] <Landstander> usually in combination with English literature
[03:29] <Landstander> but still
[03:29] <Landstander> they're teaching
[03:29] <Landstander> anyway
[03:30] <ChibiLain> And my eyes are wide and I may or may not be wearing those pajamas with the feet attatched.
[03:30] <Landstander> Harvard sees our hero, and asks him to come and learn/TA there
[03:30] <Landstander> Valedrome is hurt
[03:30] <Landstander> and confused
[03:30] <Landstander> can he let his virtual son go?
[03:30] <Landstander> Valedrome, a compassionate man, decides he must
[03:30] <Landstander> for there isn't much in Warchester
[03:30] <Landstander> but there is much, for our hero
[03:30] <Landstander> in Harvard, our hero becomes the belle of the ball
[03:30] <Landstander> everyone knows him, loves him, RESPECTS him
[03:31] <Landstander> he feels that, perhaps, honor isn't far away from his family
[03:31] <Landstander> he graduates
[03:31] <Landstander> top of his class/field
[03:31] <Landstander> the ceremony is broadcast on C-SPAN2
[03:31] <Landstander> the ratings aren't high, but that's beside the point
[03:31] <Landstander> he even gets a recommendation from his two heroes
[03:31] <Landstander> Colin Powell, and an aging Don Rickles
[03:31] <Landstander> Powell gives him a medal
[03:31] <Landstander> Rickles, a zinger
[03:32] <Landstander> and our hero pops one right back
[03:32] <Landstander> he finds a nice girl using a witty pick up line
[03:32] <Landstander> and has a great comment for everything she says
[03:32] <Landstander> our hero falls in love with Lauren Bergman
[03:32] <Landstander> and they marry
[03:32] <Landstander> for the next 30 years or so, our hero becomes a figure
[03:32] <Landstander> the type of legend
[03:33] <Landstander> like Hunter S Thompson, the man and the myth mix to the point where its arguable either one existed
[03:33] <Landstander> quick wit retort is expanded
[03:33] <Landstander> becomes something new, edgy
[03:33] <Landstander> writers are inspired by his fearless use of language
[03:33] <Landstander> and woman really loves his sense of humor
[03:33] <Landstander> though he is never unfaithful to Lauren. that would bring his family dishonor
[03:33] *** karlolson Quit (Quit: Trillian (http://www.ceruleanstudios.com)
[03:33] <Landstander> around age 45, our hero discovers a tragedy'
[03:33] <Landstander> or should i say
[03:33] <Landstander> two tragedies
[03:33] <Landstander> for you see
[03:34] <Landstander> the old saying rings true, that when it rains, it pours
[03:34] <Landstander> Valedrome has died
[03:34] <Landstander> and his father has died
[03:34] <ChibiLain> Oh no ;_;
[03:34] <Landstander> he is forced to make an impossible decision that no amount of witty remarks can help
[03:34] <StrawberryJam> Death to Valedrome
[03:34] <Landstander> which funeral does he go to?
[03:34] <Landstander> now, im not one to judge
[03:34] <Landstander> but our hero decides he cannot face Manitoba again
[03:35] <Landstander> not even after his amazing life
[03:35] <Landstander> he goes to Valedrome's funeral
[03:35] <Landstander> where a colleague tells him
[03:35] <Landstander> that in his final days, Valedrome spoke of his proudest achievements
[03:35] <Landstander> oh sure, there was the occasional academic journal
[03:35] <Landstander> and some fine students
[03:35] <Landstander> but one man kept coming up
[03:35] <Landstander> over and over
[03:35] <Landstander> that, of course, was our hero
[03:35] <Landstander> our hero mourns Valedrome, and thanks him, for to him he truly owes much
[03:35] <Landstander> but life goes on
[03:36] <Landstander> he continues his successful career
[03:36] <Landstander> for much longer time
[03:36] <Landstander> to the point where he's almost a household name (except in the South)
[03:36] <Landstander> he gets to the ripe age of 68
[03:36] <Landstander> now, Lauren Bergman was about 7 years older than him
[03:36] <Landstander> so it was at this time that she met a peaceful end
[03:37] <Landstander> our hero is saddened, but not crushed. they have lived a life of love, and though he misses her, he'll always have his memories
[03:37] <Landstander> ...memories...
[03:37] <Landstander> the word sparks something inside his witty little head
[03:37] <Landstander> he realizes
[03:37] <Landstander> that despite the millions, and the love, and the iconic status
[03:37] <Landstander> there's something he could never do
[03:37] <Landstander> despite being an old man, he RUNS to the airport
[03:37] <Landstander> takes a plane to Buffalo
[03:37] <Landstander> where he meets a connecting flight
[03:38] <Landstander> that takes him...
[03:38] <Landstander> to Manitoba.
[03:38] <Landstander> he goes to the Ticketmaster
[03:38] <Brak> ...
[03:38] <Landstander> it is rumored, though not certainly true, that in line, he muttered words such as "honor", "family", and, perhaps saddest of all, "daddy"
[03:38] <Landstander> he gets his ticket, though he is a fiesty customer
[03:38] <Landstander> you see, he has planned this out. the circus is back, y'know
[03:38] <Landstander> but he wants a specific seat
[03:38] <Landstander> he waits all day
[03:38] <Landstander> complains
[03:39] <Collateral> 11A?
[03:39] <Landstander> insults (with wit)
[03:39] <Landstander> YES
[03:39] <Landstander> he needs it
[03:39] <Landstander> Seat 11A
[03:39] <Landstander> finally, the bored clerk obliges, gets the manager
[03:39] <Landstander> the manager, Carl Perkins, recognizes him
[03:39] <Landstander> his son had become a successful fiction writer
[03:39] <Landstander> "The Death of Mike McCallister" being considered his masterpiece
[03:39] <Landstander> Carl Perkins knows our hero's face
[03:40] <Landstander> for you see
[03:40] <Landstander> his son had entered writing for one reason
[03:40] <Landstander> to emulate his hero, who happens to be our hero
[03:40] <Landstander> so the manager has no issue at all getting him his correct seat
[03:40] <Landstander> ****, he's honored to fulfill his unreasonable demands
[03:40] <Landstander> so, going incognito, for even in Manitoba he is the stuff of legend
[03:40] <Landstander> our hero heads to the circus, once again
[03:40] <Landstander> and he sees the lions
[03:40] <Landstander> and the acrobats
[03:41] <Landstander> and the dogs that jump through hoops
[03:41] <Landstander> and the circusmasters
[03:41] <Landstander> and he eats a circus peanut and insults it when it doesn't like it
[03:41] <Landstander> oh, what a time!
[03:41] <Landstander> you see
[03:41] <Landstander> even in old age
[03:41] <Landstander> our hero never grew unfond of the circus
[03:41] <Landstander> this brought back memories of his childhood
[03:41] <Landstander> his most primal hopes and needs
[03:41] <Landstander> it was so beautiful...
[03:41] <Landstander> he almost wasn't prepared when the clowns arrived
[03:41] <Landstander> in a little red car
[03:42] <Landstander> (it is worth noting that, before, the car was blue)
[03:42] <Landstander> so the clowns come out and "clown" around
[03:42] <Landstander> and then
[03:42] <Landstander> Bonky
[03:42] <Landstander> (the head clown)
[03:42] <Landstander> takes out a parchment
[03:42] <Landstander> he reads, as though Caesar were announcing his return from one of his military campaigns
[03:42] <Landstander> "Would the person in seat 11A please stand up?"
[03:42] <Landstander> our hero stands
[03:43] <Landstander> the clown says...
[03:43] <Landstander> "Well there's the horse's ass, now where's the rest?"
[03:43] <Landstander> inside our hero's head, images dance around
[03:43] <Landstander> of his early days in the city
[03:43] <Landstander> of Valedrome, and his contributions to his life
[03:43] <Landstander> of Lauren, and their countless nights together
[03:43] <Landstander> they weren't physically there, but they truly were
[03:43] <Landstander> our hero takes a deep breath
[03:44] <Landstander> and says
[03:44] <Landstander> **** YOU, CLOWN
[03:44] <Collateral> ahahaha
[03:44] <Collateral> what a great story
[03:45] <Landstander> its true
[03:45] <Collateral> that was my bedtime story for the night
[03:45] <ChibiLain> Seriously.
[03:45] <ChibiLain> I knew it was something like this.
[03:45] <Collateral> thank you landstander
[03:45] <Landstander> i admittedly went a bit overboard this time

[ElBarto]

I heard that joke just a little differt, like an 8 year old buiulding his life around geting back at this clown. the longer the better. If any one tells the Pink House joke I will kick there ass.

[TheMecca]

Landstander wins.
Oh I gets one
Why was Helen Keller's dog depressed?
You would be too if you name was RRRRNNN
GGGGGGREUHRGTEHHI
QEUBIEhfewWUHRTJHRLJKT

[J'onn J'onzz]

speedyboris (10:36:29 PM): I'm just waiting for an Elmo doll to be made that behaves like the androids from A.I.
speedyboris (10:36:36 PM): and becomes emotionally attached to its owners
speedyboris (10:36:47 PM): and then they have to dump Elmo 50 miles away in the woods
speedyboris (10:36:59 PM): and it tries to make its way back to the house
speedyboris (10:37:07 PM): but gets frozen in ice for hundreds of years
Jonn Jonzz 01 (10:37:13 PM): :eek:
speedyboris (10:37:23 PM): and is thawed out by evolved humans that look like aliens

[TheMecca]

[23:44] TheOriginalMecca: Once, a man walks into a bar
[23:44] TheOriginalMecca: the barkeep is drunk
[23:44] speedyboris: are you guys telling jokes? I love jokes
[23:44] TheOriginalMecca: so he goes up
[23:44] TheOriginalMecca: and he goes to the Barkeep
[23:44] TheOriginalMecca: and he goes
[23:44] TheOriginalMecca: Hey I want a beer
[23:44] TheOriginalMecca: and the barkeep goes
[23:44] TheOriginalMecca: wait
[23:44] TheOriginalMecca: The Barkeep thinks about it
[23:45] TheOriginalMecca: Drunkenly thinking
[23:45] TheOriginalMecca: and then he goes
[23:45] TheOriginalMecca: while thinking for 20 minutes about the thought
[23:45] TheOriginalMecca: WHYDOUWANNABEERIDUNNOWHYPEOPLE
WANNABEERNOWADAYSAGHGHGHGG

[ElBarto]

:sad: that one isnt that good

[StarScream64]

What do you call a man in the middle of a lake with no arms, or legs?
Bob.

What do you call two guys hanging out in front of a window?
Kurt an' Rod.

WARNING: BLONDE JOKE.
There were two blondes standing on the edge of a river, one on each side. One blonde shouts to the other one "How do I get to the other side of the river?!?" The other blonde responds, "You ARE on the other side of the river!!!"

I know I've heard more, but I jast can't think of any more right now.

[J'onn J'onzz]

:sad: that one isnt that good
That's what you get when you have a hack like TheMecca doing a joke. ;)

[purplehairedwonder]

Blonde joke:

A blonde walks into an electronic store and sees a TV she likes, so tells the manager that she would like to buy it; but he tells her that the store doesn't sell to blondes. So the next day she dyes her hair brown and goes back to the store and tells the manager she wants to buy the same TV and he tells her the store doesn't sell to blondes. The next day the blonde dyes her hair red and goes into the store and once more tells the manager she wants to buy the TV and once again he tells her they don't sell to blondes. She asks him how he knew she was blonde even though her hair was dyed. He points to the TV and says, "That's a microwave."

[ElBarto]

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in front of a door?

Matt
---------
What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a pile of leaves?

Russle
---------
What do you call a man with no arms and legs hanging on a wall?

Art
---------
What do you call a woman with one leg?

Ilene
---------
What do you call an asian woman with one leg?

Irene

[Michael24]

Blonde joke:

A blonde walks into an electronic store and sees a TV she likes, so tells the manager that she would like to buy it; but he tells her that the store doesn't sell to blondes. So the next day she dyes her hair brown and goes back to the store and tells the manager she wants to buy the same TV and he tells her the store doesn't sell to blondes. The next day the blonde dyes her hair red and goes into the store and once more tells the manager she wants to buy the TV and once again he tells her they don't sell to blondes. She asks him how he knew she was blonde even though her hair was dyed. He points to the TV and says, &quot;That's a microwave.&quot; LMAO!! Haven't heard that one before. :)

[TheMecca]

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in front of a door?

Matt
---------
What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a pile of leaves?

Russle
---------
What do you call a man with no arms and legs hanging on a wall?

Art
---------
What do you call a woman with one leg?

Ilene
---------
What do you call an asian woman with one leg?

Irene
Those all sucked. :sad:

[ThePeterNetwork]

I don't know if this would be considered a joke, but I found it funny.

My mom is doing the Sunday Crosswords, and she asks me what I'd call a group of nine, and she added it was in music.

I told her it was an orchestra. A very small orchestra.

Yeah yeah, I know. Better jokes have been googled. :sad:

[Alex Toon]

We should definitely have restrictions on what jokes we can post here.
No racist jokes.
No sexist jokes.
No sexual jokes.

You guys know the drill.

[Artimus Gigan]

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday


-----------------------------------------

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

--------------------------------------------

Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

[Harvey Two Face]

Ok, well there were these 3 guys walking thorugh a woods who suddenly got surrounded by Native Americans.

The guys were taken prisoner and taken back to the Chief of the tribe.

He said if you wanted to be free you must go and collect 10 of one fruit and bring it back here, so the men went tto find the fruits.

The first guy comes back with apples, and the chief says you must put the apples up your anus without making any expressions.

He gets the first one in then as he tries the second he starts crying and so they kill him.

The second guy comes back with grapes, he gets to 9 and then just as he is about to get the 10th one in he starts laughing histerically.

So the 2 guys are up in heaven and the first guy says, why did you start laughing? you could of made it out alive.

The second guy says, I saw the 3rd guy coming back with Pineapples.

hahaha