Teen Titans - The Last Straw

[ninjas>pirates]

Well to be honest i've never done this type of thing before, i've read heaps but i've never done one myself. So don't be afraid to be too harsh if i mess it up. thanx ^_^
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Chapter 1 - Introductions
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The dark corridors were all that was hiding them. They were too run down to try and fight, they were stuck there and couldn’t move. Robin was busy trying to get a signal on his communicator while Starfire was watching for any more creatures.
“Have you gotten anything yet” she whispered with a slight shudder in her voice “they must know by now”
“I’m trying Star the signals being blocked by some sort of transmission” He was sure it would work soon.
Starfire looked at him with her distressed eyes, and a tear ran down her cheek.
“What will happen to us?” she started to sob “Robin I’m scared!”
“Star....” He put his hand on her cheek “We’ll make it!”
She leaped onto him an hugged him tightly, they both smiled
“Thank you Robin” she giggled and sat back down.
“Robin, if we do not make it what would you regret not doing?” she asked him
He looked at her puzzled for a moment then said “I wish I would have found out who Slade was.” This made him angry then Starfire slowly touched his hand
“I mean other than the enemies we fight” she was trying to find out something but he wasn’t talking.
“Well I guess nothing, everything is fine. I have the greatest friends in the world.”
She looked hurt but accepted his response and continued to be on the lookout.
“How about you Star? What do you regret?” He asked her as he continued working on his communicator.
“Well, there was one thing…” she started but saw him still working “but it is just a silly thing.” she put her head in her lap.
“Star” she lifted her head up”Is there something you wanted to tell me?” he looked at her concerned.
“No I am in a glorious mood, apart from the fact that we are almost dead.” She tried to smile but turned around to keep looking.
“If we are to ever get out of this situation, maybe I could be of assistance?” she asked.

“Can you send a small electric current through the communicator?”
She put her finger on the yellow device and sent a small portion of her power through it, and then a screen came up showing a message.
We’re on our way!

“Thanks, and now all we do is wait” not long after footsteps sounded and they retreated further into the corner of the passage.
“Robin, Starfire…are you there?” the familiar voices called.
Then three companions stepped into they’re view; Cyborg, Raven & Beast boy.
“Starfire! Robin! You’re okay!” Beast boy ran over and hugged them both then quickly stepped away “Not that I was worried, Beast boy never looses his cool”
“Yeah right! You nearly wet your pants” Cyborg laughed.
“Everyone enough! We have to get out of here.” Robin said as the voice of reason “Raven, would you do the honors”
“Azarath Metrion Zinthos!” she chanted before a large black shadow swallowed them and they disappeared.
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I hope it wasn't too painful to read, sorry if it sucked. :shrug:

[llama_love]

You lie!!!
you did great, I must say i found it a little confusing when you left it there.:confused:
are you doing another chapter or is that all we'll here?

[ninjas>pirates]

No i've got a few more chapters up my sleeve, the next one is a bit boring but the one after that is really good!:D

[dimmy52]

It was a good beginning to an interesting story, but there are some things you could improve.

First of all, pressing enter. Yes, I know that you shouldn't have to people speaking on the same line, that's fair enough. But you don't have to start someone speaking on a new line every time either. Also on the subject of enterings, to make it more readable, I suggest putting an extra line between each new piece of speech, for example, you done:

"What are we going to do now?" Starfire asked Robin with tears brimming.
"There's nothing else we can do" Robin depressingly replied.

Whereas you could've done:

"What are we going to do now?" Starfire asked Robin with tears brimming.

"There's nothing else we can do" Robin depressingly replied.


Of course, that is just structuring, nothing too important, but if you want more people to read and comment on your story, you have to make it more "eye-friendly" :)

Now comes something slightly harder: Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation. For the most part you did a good job with these, but there were a few places which could've used a comma or three and a critical eye.

Finally, the hardest of all: Developing your skill. You did a good job, I'm not trying to come across as condescending or offensive, not by any means, but your story came across as very abrupt and matter-of-fact-ish. Try and add to the mood of the story by describing their surroundings, how desperate their situation really was, the sounds they were hearing and the smells they were smelling. But, too much of this can be a bad thing too, so, rather than stating "They heard a rustle of footsteps" You could say something like "In the distance an echoing of footsteps pervaded the air".

A big vocabulary helps ;). That's why I suggest reading something like a dictionary. Or, if you're Sane, read some novels that you think you would enjoy. Don't read for the sake of trying to develop your skill as a writer, read because you enjoy it, and the skill will come as a bonus.

One last thing before I go: Practice makes perfect, and make sure you continue this story because you'll find that the more you write, the better you get, and this improvement happens fairly quickly too!

So, hurry up and write!

Cheers, Dimster, Delta Member One

[Rever76]

I agree with Dimmy, good but needs a little polishing.
You need a few commas, and a semi-colon or two, maybe a few extra full stops and maybe an exclamation mark.

I can't really tell how to do all that. I'm doing a writing course right now, but I'm learning the Australian rules of English, you on the other hand are using the American style.

But as Dimmy says, it comes with practicing your writing skill and reading in those areas that interest you.

For example Dimmy and myself both write action adventure narratives, we both read Mathew Reilly who is one of the most prolific action adventure writers (Especially the novel Scarecrow). Find those that share your style and go from there.

I guess thats enough waffling on to make up for my absence.

Rever

[ninjas>pirates]

Thanx for the advice. I'm a real big Math geek so story writing is kinda new to me :p I hope you like it.
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Chapter 2- Average Daze
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“Everyone, I have a very special occasion of which I must share with you!” She sounded completely happy “Hurry friends!”

Cyborg and Beast boy leapt off the couch.

“What is it Starfire?” Robin uttered impatiently.

“We must wait for Raven!” She shouted back at him. Lately she’d been very hostile towards him; everything he did made her angry especially his strong and confident walk.

“No need to shout I’m here” Raven floated in from her room.

“Everyone today is Vlorglob!” She cheered and started jumping.

“In English Star….?” Beast boy looked and sounded confused as he asked her this.

“It is the Universal day for cleansing! We must cleanse our minds, hearts and environment. It is very exciting, do you not agree!” she grinned at them all.

“So it’s like spring cleaning?” Cyborg started to become more and more distraught, Beast boy was the same.

"Yes! But also for the purging of many secrets, I will explain more at a later time. But for now my friends Happy Vlorglob! Let us all start with the cleansing of our rooms in which we sleep.” She insisted.

“Well” Robin sighed “You heard her, Titan’s go”

“But wait! At a pint in this day you must share a secret and an apology with each other for your heart and for your mind”

“Ok” they called back to her in unison.

She crossed her arms and mumbled to herself “This should make us all better friends” she threw herself onto the couch and thought of the last mission her and Robin had together, they’d gotten so close. Why didn’t she tell him?

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In Starfire’s Bedroom
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Starfire began cleaning, sorting her clothes which wasn’t a tough job and making her bed. She was straightening the sheet on her bed when a knock made her jerk.

“Star are you there?” Cyborg asked sweetly.

“I am here” She told him still correcting the bed cover. “How may I be of some assistance?”

“Can we talk?”

“You may enter” She sat on her bed and patted the spot beside her. Cyborg walked in, staring at the amount of purple in her room. “I am sorry it is of the untidy”

He cracked up “Girl you should see the trash bags beast boy was hauling, and that was from one drawer!” he stopped himself from laughing and wiped the tear from his eye “Anyway what I came here to say was, you know how we have to spill the beans on ourselves. I was wondering if you could lend an ear”

“I would love for you to borrow my ear, what might my ear be listening to?” He walked to her bed and sat beside her, the bed was close to collapsing under his weight but it managed to keep up.

“I’m sorry I haven’t taken your alien traditions seriously, I should’ve been more involved”
She smiled and clapped.
“Thank you Cyborg, I forgive you.” She jumped up “Now I must apologize. Cyborg I am sorry for walking into your room while you were examining your arm wires in front of your mirror.”

“You caught me muscle flexin’, aww man!” He blushed and dropped his head into his hands.

“I am sorry once again you often speak of the knocking rule, it is this rule that I must uphold” She gestured a new revolution by raising her index finger towards the sky.

“That’s alright, I got to tell you something else.” He had the expression of a kid who just stole a cookie from the cookie jar. “I kind of ate all of your weird berries”

“You must mean the zorka berries from my home planet Tamaran”

“Yeah…?” he paused still a little confused “Does that count as a secret?”

“I believe so, that must then mean I must share a secret.” She seemed ashamed. Cyborg put his hands together and devoted his whole attention to her.

“Do go on…” but for the second time Starfire jumped as she heard a knock at the door.

“Cyborg! Are you in there? I really need to talk to you, dude, It’s urgent!”
Beast boy bellowed through her door.

“Excuse me, for just a second” He signaled a second and managed to drag himself from her room.
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Outside Starfire’s door
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“What is it BB?” asked a slightly annoyed Cyborg.
Beast boy started to explain to Cyborg what he heard.
“Well I was carrying another huge pile of trash to the garbage, when I walked pass the Gym and heard voices.
At first I was like who cares but then I saw Raven’s face and she was nearly smiling, I swear it’s true.
Anyway I crept up as quiet as a mouse and dude I was literally a mouse! Then Raven started teasing Robin she said ‘You like her, a lot just admit it’ then Robin went on and said ‘she’s so strong and funny, I hate it when she’s mad at me. Why do I act so stupid and plain around her?’
At that point I was like a spider and I managed to get closer. Raven, I’m not kidding, was close to giggle point so not like her.
Robin was still talking all serious but she gasped and said ‘You don’t like her…..You love her!’ So me, super spider ninja crawled down right near Raven.
Robin spoke again and said ‘I don’t know I don’t want to make a fool of myself if she doesn’t feel the same’ then he got up and walked out.
So I with my super spider ninja powers webbed myself out of there. But not before Raven caught me. I was like ‘Dude! I just got here’ but she did that really scary face to face thing” he stopped for breath.

“Seriously who cares, you still don’t know who he likes” Cyborg commented.

“Yeah well if you let me finish! Besides I do know. Back to the story Raven was all like ‘What do you know?’ In her serious Raven voice and I was all like ‘Only who Robin likes so get up out of my face!’ and she did.”

“Don’t lie”

“Alright, alright! I said ‘I didn’t hear much just something about who Robin likes’ and then”

“Keep going” Cyborg grinned.

“And then I said ‘Please don’t hurt me’ but she got normal and asked me not to tell Starfire that Robin liked her because it would make Robin angry! Then I came running up to you.”

“Dude, do you know what this means?!” Cyborg whispered all energized.

“Umm…No, What does it mean?”

“Robin likes Starfire. Robin isn’t gonna keep hassling us if we know, Is he!”

“Shhh!” Beast boy clapped his hands over Cyborg’s mouth “She can’t know!” He pointed to Starfire’s door.

“Why not?”

“I swore to Raven I wouldn’t tell”

“You told me” Cyborg had a smug look on his face.

“Touché, but I don’t want to get Raven’s wrath”

“But if Robin tells her we won’t get an Azarath ass whoopin’, will we”

“You have a gift” Beast boy complimented Cyborg “But how do we get him to do that?”

“Undercover recon” He explained his plan to Beast boy and went to talk to Raven, while Beast boy prepared himself to squeeze info out of Starfire.
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This Chapter and the next doesn't have much action and is kinda boring but the but the one after that, number 4 (told ya I was a math geek:D ) is way better!

[dimmy52]

Already an improvement, and you seem to have gotten the characters just right, and for that I applaud you.

However, one thing doesn't sit well with me, and that's when you use:

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(name of area)

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To describe where you're focusing the story at that moment. It's as if you're trying to write a script that is masquerading as a story, it's kinda weird o_O

Other than that though, everything is good, but don't forget commas!! They are crucial! Make sure you proofread the chapter, not immediately after you write it, but let it sit for a day, THEN read it. You'll realize that a lot of mistakes you missed will all of a sudden appear! It happens to everyone, especially me, because whenever I want to write, i write, and I dont pay much attention to punctuation. So I leave it for the night, then read it in the morning and correct it as needed.

Hope to read your next chapter soon, it sounds very fun-filled :D

Cheers, Dimster, Delta Member One.

[ninjas>pirates]

Thanx sooo much! As I said i'm a huge math geek so story writing is really new to me and I need all the help I can get. ^_^
Cheers again :p

[ninjas>pirates]

Here it is finally, god am I slow or what!
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Chapter 3 – Secrets out
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“Hey Star, can I talk to you?” Beast boy bore an exhilarated look much like Cyborg’s when he heard who Robin liked.

“Only if Cyborg wishes to reschedule our lending of the ears” She was organizing her clothes again “If so I would be thrilled to talk!”

“Well he’s gone to fix the…err…machine thing down stairs” That should do, he thought to himself “Before we all blow up!”

“In that case, we may share our thoughts.” Beast boy opened the door to Starfire’s grand smile. She led him to a spot on her rug next to the bed which was now on an unusual angle, thanks to Cyborg. “May I start?”

“Yeah, sure” He spoke half heartedly. He was still wondering how he could get the secret out of her, without her suspicion.

“I am very sorry for not being there for you, at more often occasions. You are a truly wondrous friend!”

“Well, I have my moments” He said as he blew on his nails and shined them on his shirt. He felt rather proud, before he had to apologize “And I’m sorry for all those pranks I played on you”

“You are forgiven! And it is forgotten.” She laughed and hugged him “but there is something I must speak of”

“Maybe this won’t be to hard” he muttered to himself.

“I pardon your beg?”

“Is this what you were gonna tell Cyborg?”

“I believe so” she hushed for a moment and looked away from Beast boy “I wish to no longer hide this from my friends, As I now see somebody as more then a friend.”

“Is it the pizza boy…um…Bobby?! No it can’t be. Is it Aqua lad he’s one hot dude! No it has to be Speedy!”
“Cease the anonymous guesses please! It is….” She checked for any spies “It is Robin. Please do not tell!” She added as Beast boy tried his hardest to suppress his gigantic grin.

“Why do you like him?” Beast boy asked now sealing his mouth completely with his hands.

“He’s cute, Funny, Smart, strong-“

“Um Star I’d love to stay but Cyborg just called” He interrupted.

“But I did not he-“

“Gotta go, bye!” He called from, her door as he hurried out the door.


In the gym Raven and Cyborg were waiting for Beast boy’s news, The tension filled the air as time slowly withered away. They had both discussed the plan that Cyborg informed Beast boy of involving Robin and Starfire.

“Guys guess what!” Beast boy ran in the door and stopped just short of Cyborg’s chest.

“Did you find out?” Cyborg looked slightly dangerous when he was apprehensive.

“Starfire not only likes Robin, She loves him! You should have heard her go on, dude, I was going mental.” They’re jaws simultaneously dropped, and the silence was only broken when the communicator went off and Robin summoned them all to the lounge.


Robin and Starfire were already there when the other three arrived, giggling like little schoolgirls because Robin and Starfire were alone.
“Titans we’ve got trouble. A storm is coming and it’s destroying our city, we would’ve left sooner but we need to be cautioned.”

He turned on the screen and film footage from a news company was being shown. The news crew were filming a report on the abrupt weather change, they were just outside the city when a sudden wave of eerie silence and grey clouds came about.
The reporter was in mid sentence, when a clump of black clouds gathered high above her head. The camera man, still shooting, alerted her of the clouds. Then an enormous bolt of lightning crashed over the reporter, it struck her. She didn’t die, but she fell to her knees grasping both sides of her head and screaming in pain. The camera man ran over to her, Robin stopped the tape. They stood there in stillness, Starfire clenched her fists.

“As you saw” he sighed trying to find the words “You have to be extremely careful”

They all went to get ready, but Starfire stayed. She tapped Robin on the shoulder.

“It is a torture storm?” Gritting her teeth furious at the culprit.
“I’m sure, but it’s dangerous. Try to stay away” He warned her.

“I wish to hurt who is responsible”

“I know you do, but please Starfire I’m begging you to stay away from the lightening.” He touched her hand and then followed the others.
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I know still a little slow but it'll get better :D