Happy Birthday DisneyBoy!

[Fone Bone]

It's DisneyBoy's birthday today! Birthday wishes and Ally McBeal references go HERE!

[Kuja's Light]

Happy birthday to the 1st TZer I was able to call a friend, thanks to his Christmas Countdown threads. I hope your day is joyous, and have loads of fun!

[Phantasm]

Happy Birthday!Hope u have a great day and year!:)

[DisneyBoy]

awwww :o

You guys love me! You really really love me!

Thanks for all the sweet wishes (and Ally McBeal references, of course). I'm off to a psychic convention to see what my future has in store for me :D I'll let you all know how that goes...

[Kury Wagner]

Happy Birthday!

[Lord Dalek]

*Flushes toilet with remote*

...I always like a clean bowl.

Oh happy birthday.

[TimTwoFace]

Happy birthday, Disneyboyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

-Tim

[Elven Moon]

Happy Birthday!

[Russkafin]

Happy Birthday, DB! Too bad the Lois & Clark DVD set isn't out yet, or you could have put it on your birthday list! ;) Hope this year brings you all you want and more.

[Rune]

Happy Birthday :) hope you have a great day.

[Metroid_spy]

have a great birthday

[Anime Guy]

Happy birthday to you, DisneyBoy.;)

[BonyT]

Hey, DB, hope you're having a great birthday! :D

[Emmanuel Cruz]

Happy Boithday, Doc!

Your Fellow Marcher,
Emmanuel:bosko:

[Rini]

Happy Birthday, DisneyBoy. :)

[DisneyBoy]

Thank you guys so much for the well-wishing :) It really did put a smile on my face this past weekend...


...cause things went a bit astray. I should start by saying that my mother's gets pretty frantic about any occasion when company comes over. She wants to clean the house, make a huge meal, and know the ETA of everyone on the guest list. I was hoping to leave Saturday night open to maybe go dancing, but eventually decided it was easiest on my mother to just have to invite the relatives over for coffee and cake at around 7. Still, though, she didn't really know what to get me gift-wise, so I reluctantly gave her some ideas (B:TAS and S:TAS DVD sets). Unfortunately, my father has a supreme hatred for my interest in television/entertainment, so she told me to forget about DVDs. Simply put, despite my hoping that my "special day" would end up being just like every other day, only without arguments, wasn't likely to happen, and I knew it.

Not that the psychic convention wasn't a good place to start. My sister picked a tarot reader and went to her first, and to my amazement enjoyed the experience. Apparently, the lady knew more about my sis than she should, so I was encouraged to go see her. I sat down and the psychic told me I was too nervous, and to calm down. Overall, I'd say she was 50% right and 50% wrong. Apparently, I'm not big on music and I'm head over heels in love with someone in a way I've never loved anyone before. :shrug: Ahh...riiiight. She did tell me that I'd be attending a civil marriage in three months for someone 30 years or older, and to take better care of myself, health wise. That was pretty good. Mostly, I just nodded and smiled.

It was the rest of the day that spiralled out of control for me, emotionally. Things are usually pretty complicated with me and my family. Someone's always grumpy. Fights are a weekly thing, even over trivial stuff. To make matters worse, three years ago on my birthday, my father gave me a pretty scarring talk-to about how no one loved me and I was a failure, etc, etc. I hid at school the entire day, and when I came home that night around 12, I found three presents for me on the kitchen table. I felt like a prostitute. Like "Here's your presents...happy now?" That was pretty much my worst birthday ever, and since then, regardless of how hard we're all smiling, we still remember times like those, and the hurting comes back full force.
At the start of the day, I was trying to be neutral with my sister. Aside from the convention we didn't really have any plans, so I told her we could go where ever she wanted. She hates wandering aimlessly though, so we ended up trying a few stores and then coming home. At home, my mother wasn't sure we should go out to dinner just the four of us, and then an argument started over how appropriate it was to leave other family members out. By the time we got to the restaurant, my nerves were shot. They kept asking what I was going to order, and checking their watches to see what time we'd be coming back. I snapped and stalked off to the bathroom. I hadn't had much to eat, so that plus the stress was making me really edgy. It was awkward. Eating dinner with the three of them didn't make me feel special...it made me feel like a pain. I know they're not overall happy with me, so getting special treatment really feels like a hollow act, even when I know that they're just trying to be nice.

Dinner tasted great, but the everning had already soured and we knew it. Back home, the relatives all arrived at once, and I recieved some nice gifts, one of which was a sweater thing with a zipper that was stuck. When I finally tried it on, it felt baggy and I mentally wished it was a smaller size. So when I was asked if it was alright, I inquired if maybe we should return for one in a smaller size, with a less problematic zipper. "It was the last one" was the response, so I let it go. Smiling and Thanking. Thanking and Smiling. And then the typical, pointless story-telling and stale jokes started getting passed around the table. That's another sore spot with me. I love my relatives, but I don't want to just love them...I want to know who they are as individuals, but instead of taking these kinds of opportunities to really discuss anything of value, they just retread the same ground we've been covering for years. I felt myself getting peeved.

And then my sister's boyfriend showed up. He's not a bad guy at all, but he's never acted in any way sincere with me since I've known him. I'm not saying he should have tried to befriend me or anything after deciding to date my sis, but he acts as though I don't exist. My parents, of course, get all the respect he can muster, but I'm lucky if I get a greeting when he enters the house, walking by me. So, he shows up, nose red, obviously sick. My sister turns to the room, announcing that he cancelled his plans to come on by and wish me a happy birthday, just like he's been going for the past four years. Sadly, if he's attending these traditional family birthday gatherings for that long, I haven't noticed. The whole thing reeked of sucking up, and so after a few more smiles and thank you's I went downstairs and started typing out my frustrations.

Eventually, my sis came down and asked what was going on. I told her she'd only get upset with me, but she said to give her a chance. So I calmly explained that despite everyone's good intentions, and without blaming anyone, I wasn't doing well. Birthdays force me to be thankful and polite and recieve presents and make small talk despite any awkwardness between us. I told her it wasn't about them, but about me. I didn't feel worthy (and I'm not trying to make myself out to be some kind of monk here) of the gifts and attention, and was frustrated at having to feel like there were limits to what I could and could not say. My Godfather had said something about how everyone was trying to change people instead of accepting them these days, but followed that up with saying he felt one of his daughters needed to start listening to him and doing things his way. I'd politely begun suggesting that he was perhaps contradicting himself in saying that, when my parents and sis hushed me, fearing a comfrontation. That's not a fun environment, people, even though I know that's how it is with relatives sometimes.

Even now, days later, I can't quite make sense of everything I was feeling. Every minute, I was literally feeling my mind race from one thought to the next, and it was kinda scary. What I needed was fewer people. Something more intimate. Something more honest than some pretense of a celebration. But if you say that to your family, they will tell you your being difficult and trying to cut them out of your life. Trust me on that, cause I hear it every March.

So my sister took offense, feeling as though I was poo-pooing her good intentions and that I was being impossible to please. Upstairs, I lost it a bit and asked why her boyfriend bothered coming if he was so sick *which was a stupid, stupid thing to make an issue out of in front of everyone* and my Aunt pulled me aside, sensing I wasn't doing well. We chatted about the whole "family chatting" thoughts I was having, and she helped me to see that while we may be more candid with friends (whose love can't necessarily be counted on), we might be more reserved with family (because we're trying to keep the love lasting long term). I sat down with the relatives, then, and enjoyed the remainder of the evening.

But the damage had been done. I tried to explain that I enjoyed much of the day, but that didn't matter to my mother, father and sister. Sunday morning when I woke up, I was told that I'd ruined the day. My mother tends to get over-dramatic (as I do) but I hate it when she makes a blanket statement like that. The birthday was not the worst, and I wasn't blaming anyone. I just went through a lot of emotions and was sorry if I made anyone else feel uncomfortable. Doesn't that suck? Thinking like you have to please everyone on a day that's supposed to belong to you? The three of them were furious with me, and flat out ignored me for the rest of the day. I broke down and cried, calling a friend to try and calm down. It wasn't that bad, but now that
they're going to make it out to be a disaster, it will be remembered as one forever. They're not going to let it go until I feel as unworthy as I fear I am. Or maybe they're just dealing with their own disappointement.

Either way, I'm at school now, away from them, trying to get back into the groove of day-to-day life. I emailed my sister to see if she was alright and if we could just go out on another outing, no expectations, no one's needs put above anyone elses, and she wrote me back today with a letter that really floored me.

She said she sees me as a morose, bitter, angry version of my younger self, incapable of seeing the good in the world, or looking hopefully on life. She says she's been holding onto a rope with a knot at the end of it, but that she can't hold on forever and that I need to change, seriously, if I want her to be the sister we both want her to be. Over-dramatic, to say the least, and now I'm wondering how in god's name to move beyond THAT. It's not that bad. I'm not that dark or miserable a person, but obviously my family only sees how difficult it is for me to be around them, given our past conflicts.

So that's my birthday. Strange, overwhelming and memorable in my eyes, the final straw in theirs. I'm glad it's over, but something tells me (cliche as it sounds) that it's only begun.

Again, thanks for putting a smile on my face *hugs you all* You have made a difference.

[sun]

Disneyboy, hope that things work out a little better , Biirthdays are not always the fun we expect them to be....Hope today is better, and you are ok...Hang in there, Stuart...

[DisneyBoy]

Thanks bud. Hanging in. Confused and tired, but hanging.

[MahouShoujo13]

Happy B-day DisneyBoy.