Jule

[Raven_909]

Be nice, this is my first fic. This poart is short. (Take's rage out on keyboard because fic keeps on getting deleted.)


"I would like this one Raven." said Starfire, handing Raven a magazine.
"Fine." said Raven. She bought a book and the magazine. Starfire grabbed the magazine happily and they walked home.
Raven sat on her bed and read her book. She looked up, when she heard some breathing in the corner of her room. She floated over and extended an arm into the shadows. She grabbed ahold of somethign and pulled out a girl.

[T.T.Raven4]

Interesting. Couple of Gripes:

It is WAY to short. I make sure my full chapters are at least 500 words. (Please don't browse through my chapters, and find one with 499 words, and be like "HA!") It needs to be longer.

Detail. Ex:

Starfire's eyes lit up. She reached over to the shelf and pulled off a (Whatever) Magazine.

"I would like this one Raven." Said Starfire, shovng the magazine into Raven's face.

"Fine." Raven said snatching the magazine and placing it on the counter next to her book.

The cashier rung it up, and Raven paid the money. Starfire and Raven left the sore. They walked (I would say flew...) home, and entered the Tower. After a few greetings with all the Titan's, they both proceeded to their rooms. Starfire anxiously opened her magazine, and began reading. Raven entered her room, and opened her book. Before she could even read the first page, she heard breathing in the corner of the room. Raven slowly turnedher head. She stood slowly, and inched over to the corner. She placedher hand forward, and grabbed ahold of something. Raven grabbed whatever it was, and ulled her back, revealing a (Small or Big) Girl.

End Of Example.

this is the short version. The Prolouge is VERY interesting, just to short. Take this advice, and all the others you get, and you'll do fine.


~TTR4~

[Red X Unmasked]

Exactly what TT said. WAY too short. And (sorry) but it doesn't really grab my attention which would make me want to read the rest of this story. It needs more dailogue as well.

[T.T.Raven4]

OH YEA! HE SIDES WITH ME! Sorry. Normally I'm wrong.

Jut take the advice young Padawan learner. *Bows* :D

[Sproxie]

I also agree with T.T.Raven4, it really should be longer. and... why are there 2 Jule stories? but make it a bit longer with more description and it could be great!

[oneeyemonkeypie]

come on now...I don't think you're even trying.

just make 'em long.

[Raven37]

This story definitely has potential, but you really should make them A LOT longer. Also, please work on your spelling and grammer. Thank you and have a nice day!:D


-Raven37http://fs5.deviantart.com/i/2004/331/c/4/_raven__by_FreeLancerFox.gif

[Aquagirl15]

GRIPES:

don't worry about sp/grammer just use word. (Rae37 taunts everyone about that!) it was too short, if you post you need to post at least 300 words. that's all i'm saying. :sweat:
now for the good stuff!: i think this story as good potential and that it seems to be a comical/romance type story. contiune and listen to what everyone says! they make bad fics awesome! (not saying yours is bad!) :D

[Raven_909]

Ok, first, I only made one first part, second, YOU GUYS POST REALLY FAST! I made it that short because I was in a hurry and it kept on deleting on me. I wouldn't be back in like 4 hours and I didn't want to post it after I decorated my christmas tree. And, I was gonna make another, much longer part, when I was back. But you guys post up way too fasy, like I said. So, I'll go with whoever put up the longer version of my story... not to be copying...

[Raven_909]

Raven looked at the girl. She had short black hair, and a tattoo of a Chinese dragon on the side of her neck.

“Jule, is that you.” Asked Raven, letting go of the girl.

“Raven… I didn’t expect you to find me.” Replied Jule, holding her arm.

“What, how did you get there,” said Raven, getting angry, “and why!”

“Well, uh, it’s a long story.” Said Jule. She looked around the room. “Nice place you got here.” She smiled weakly.

Raven sighed “Well, why are you here?” she asked impatiently.

“Well-“ Cyborg knocked on Ravens door, and cut Jule off.

“Raven, you wanna play some volleyball with us?” he asked.

“Not now, Cyborg.” Said Raven. Cyborg shrugged and walked away.

“Just stay here, I don’t want my friends seeing you.” Said Raven, looking nervously at the door like it was going to open any second.

“Why? I would love to meet them.” Said Jule, a smile spreading across her face.

“No, Jule. Just, wait here. I’m going to go meditate.” Raven sighed, looking at her feet.

“Fine.” Said Jule, sitting on Ravens bed. Raven left the room.

“Oh, and don’t touch anything!” she added while closing the door. Jule looked at the book, and she smiled a trickster smile.




Raven sat on the roof, full lotus, and floated, whispering “Azarath… metrione… zynthos...” under her breath, while the others played volleyball. When the others got tired of playing volleyball, they started down. Raven got up, and walked to the kitchen. She made some herbal tea for herself, and walked silently to her room. When she got to her door she saw Jule and Starfire talking.

“Jule!” said Raven.

“Uuuh, yeah?” asked Jule nervously.

“What are you doing?” asked Raven.

“Oh, hello! Jule was just explaining to me how you two are cousins.” Said Starfire smiling.



Better? About 305, 304…

[Aquagirl15]

better!!! it was really a lot better. it didn't expect Raven to know Jule. BTW is it pronouced like Julie or Jewl? :confused:

[Kury Wagner]

309 to be exact (here's a good site for counting it (http://www.internetbasedmoms.com/freebies/word-count.htm) It's what I use) I like how it's going. Raven's got relatives!? Awesome! Keep writing!

[Raven37]

Very good! That was a lot better! I wasn't expecting Raven to now Jule either... nice twist! Anyways, can't wait to see what happens next!:D

-Raven37http://fs5.deviantart.com/i/2004/331/c/4/_raven__by_FreeLancerFox.gif

P.S. I personally pronounce it as 'jewl'... Am I right?:sweat:

[JazzyChick]

okay, sorry if i sound negative, but i have a few complaints:

your second post was longer than the first, and that was good. but there were so many one liners. don't get me wrong, i'm all for dilogue(sp?) and stuff like that (it makes it look like you've written more, i use it a lot) just try and add more detail.

Detail was another thing i wanted to talk about: it is your friend. like when you were describing Jule, you said:
"She had short black hair and a tatoo of a Chinese dragon on the side of her neck."

Well, what color are her eyes? Is she short, medium hight, tall? What was she wearing? What was her fiacial expression at the time? I pictured her as Asian, was she?

just someting to think about. just try and describe stuff more, and you'll be fine. on a positive note, your story is coming along nicely. i'm interested to learn more about your new charchter. just keep writing, most of the stuff i said comes with practice.

Post soon!

[Raven37]

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Yes, what she said, the one above mine!:^: Yea! Exactly what she said! Description makes a story.;) Use lots of it, (without overdoing it) and you'll have an awesome story!:D

-Raven37http://fs5.deviantart.com/i/2004/331/c/4/_raven__by_FreeLancerFox.gif

[Aquagirl15]

go to a titans song thread and see what happens when you have too much adjectives. you don't want that to happen! ;) well adjectives are ur friends if you don't overuse them. like they said. oh and tell us how old Jule is!!! :D

[Sproxie]

much better, just maybe a little more description, otherwise great chap! ;)

[Crowgirl]

come on now...I don't think you're even trying.

just make 'em long.
Well, as cruel as that was, Reid (sadly) has a point. The cousin thing could become very interesting, but right now, you don't really seem to be putting a lot of effort into your story.

A full description of Jule would be nice, you gave an extremely vague description of her. Like if you check out The Color Wheel (I know, I'm sorry I have to relate to my fic in this...) I posted a description of Crow (the Character I created), and it is at least seven or eight sentences, possibly longer.

I do agree with what everybody else said though, just please try harder.

[T.T.Raven4]

Well, as cruel as that was, Reid (sadly) has a point. The cousin thing could become very interesting, but right now, you don't really seem to be putting a lot of effort into your story.

A full description of Jule would be nice, you gave an extremely vague description of her. Like if you check out The Color Wheel (I know, I'm sorry I have to relate to my fic in this...) I posted a description of Crow (the Character I created), and it is at least seven or eight sentences, possibly longer.

I do agree with what everybody else said though, just please try harder.

Effort. More could be used, but it's a great start! And a better description. When you say a girl with black hair, and a tattoo across her neck, that's the only picture you give us. That's all we know. Besides that, it's all good. Write More Please!

[oneeyemonkeypie]

*shocked*
I wasn't being cruel!

I was just making a sarcistic and witty observation. It's called dry humor.

Geez, you people need to read more books! There's someone like that in every good story!

Anyways, that chapter was much better than the first one. Like I say to everyone, more descriptions would be nice, but this fic is definately turning out good.

[Aquagirl15]

well dry hummer is sometimes misunderstood. maybe you should have put JK or something. :shrug: post more soon!! :D

[Raven_909]

Sorry I didn't write any sooner, and thnx. It is pronounced like Jewl, and I will put more discriptuion in. My comp got a virus and we needed to buy a new one, but my mom kept on delaying, anyways...(oh, and she looks more chinese than asian...)

"I told you to stay in my room!" shouted Raven.

"Sorry, it's boring in there." complained Jule.

"And it's much more fun out here?" asked Raven.

"Well, atleast I can touch things!" sighed Jule. Starfire backed away, hoping not to be caught in one of Raven's temper-tantrums.

"GET BACK IN MY ROOM, NOW!" enraged Raven. Jule sighed and walked into Ravens room. Starfire flew away to tell the others about Jule. Raven followed Jule, back into the room. Jule was sitting on her bed again.
"Please, just tell me why you're here!" whispered Raven, massaging her forehead.
"Can't I just visit you, for no reason?" asked Jule. Raven stared at Jule, then closed her eyes and started meditating. Jule took advantage of this time by taking th book that was lying on Ravens bed, which she spotted earlier on. The title was written in some language that Jule couldn't read. She opened it and started reading the book. It was about dark magic, but long ago. The times of castles, and knights. Jule smiled and took out a purple gem, and placed it on the book.Then Jule placed the book in a chest, so nobody could see the gem.Then Jule sat down next to her cousin, and watched her. It was boring, but there was nothing else for her to do. Soon, Cyborg and BeastBoy ran to her room and knocked on the door. Raven fell, and made a face.
"What do you want!" she said, annoyed.
"Want to go with everyone to get pizza?" asked BeastBoy. Raven was starving, and agreed.
"Fine." she said.
"Can I go, too?" asked Jule.
"No, you are not even looking out of this room, understand!" whispered Raven.
"Fine." sighed Jule. Once she heard them all walk away, Jule ran out of the room and into the kitchen. She made herself a meal, and then attacked it. She was also starving.

(I didn't count this, but I am also starving, and I have to go buy my lunch.)

[T.T.Raven4]

Better! You controlled Raven's emotions very nicely. You explain Jules attitude (Is that the right word?) by showing she is kind of nosy by not listening to Raven. Very nicely done.

~TTR4~

[Aquagirl15]

that was a lot better. i have missed this fic.:( i HATE computer viruses! one time my brother messed up the computer so bad we had to get a professional to fix it! now, my dad works with mechanics every day so it was screwed up really bad if he couldn't fix it. so nuff fluff (haha) and have a nice day! unless you want your day to be bad... :evil:

[Crowgirl]

*shocked*
I wasn't being cruel!
I apologize if you took that offensively.


I was just making a sarcistic and witty observation. It's called dry humor.

Man, my math teacher is the master of dry humor. One Friday (I think it was a half-day), it was snowing. It was really light snow. Our teacher walked in and said "Good news everyone. I heard that's it going to snow so much we're gong to get out early and not have to go come here tomorrow!" He's wicked funny.

Anyways, as Aquagirl said, 'nuff fluff. That was better. You gave us more of Jule's personality, yet I am still looking for a better description of her exterior. Jule reminds me of Loki, Viking God of Trickery, with all her trickster ways. I wonder why Raven doesn't want Jule with the other Titans...

Please post longer chapters (At least five hundred words, that's what the minimum should be), and post soon.

Crowgirl

[Sproxie]

Better! You controlled Raven's emotions very nicely. You explain Jules attitude (Is that the right word?) by showing she is kind of nosy by not listening to Raven. Very nicely done.

~TTR4~I completely agree.


Man, my math teacher is the master of dry humor. One Friday (I think it was a half-day), it was snowing. It was really light snow. Our teacher walked in and said "Good news everyone. I heard that's it going to snow so much we're gong to get out early and not have to go come here tomorrow!" He's wicked funny.
*gasps* ....D-Do I know you...? My math teacher said the EXACT same thing.

[Aquagirl15]

*gasps* ....D-Do I know you...? My math teacher said the EXACT same thing.
now that would be creepy. you would know each other and not know it! creepy... post soon or i will hunt you down and make you!!!

[Crowgirl]

I completely agree.

*gasps* ....D-Do I know you...? My math teacher said the EXACT same thing.
Well, possibly. Is your teacher named Mr. Kipp-Magown (And do you also spell it wrong like that?)

Crowgirl

[Sproxie]

No :shrug: his name is Mr. Joseph.
SORRY ABOUT THE SPAM!
Non-Spam : great chapter, I think you expressed Raven's fustration at Jule nicely. :sweat:

[Crowgirl]

Umm.....Is this thread dead too?

[Starfire5]

I hope its not...i like this fic! and thats all i have to say.