Need a little help here....

[byacker1]

OK, so I'm seeing this woman to an extent. We work together, we talked found out we had a lot in common, ended back at her place and had a romantic night together (no sex though). Over the next few weeks we began having alot of phone convos, but whenever we'd make plans to get together, she'd back out at the last minute. I got her flowers in her favoirte color on V-day and she absolutley flipped over them, said no body ever did that for her before. Well the next week, we made plans again, she backed out and I asked her what was up with that so I went over to her house and we talked, she was being very vague about it so I just left. I attempted to call her several times that night to patch things up but she picked up the phone and yelled at me for calling so many times and she was busy. So I backed off until the next afternoon where she was all forgiving and said that sometimes she just gets frustrated. Then she admitted that she was beginning to fall for me and that she was scared of commitment and getting hurt again, so i told her that we would just ease into things and she said that someone finally understood her. We had a great day at work, laughing, touching, ect, we hugged at the end of the night and we left. I've been having issues with my parents nad my father told me to not bother coming home that night. So I called her for support, I was pretty distraught over the whole thing so I caled her cell phone (her car was still in front of mine), she didn't answer, so I figured she was on the other line, so I called twice more spacing it out about five or so minutes. Now keep in mind, I was looking for someone to talk to and a place to go, so I called her house phone about the time she would get home twice. So I went over to her house, no answer. I figured she must have crashed and her cell phone was off so I just left her a message about what was going on and I ended up sleeping in a parking lot. I tried to call her today every hour and a half to two hours or so, figuring she must be out. She finally answers the third time, with another "Why do you keep calling?" and "Why did keep calling last night?" Apparantley she was having problems with her cousin or somehting, so she never picked up but she was annoyed. I tried to explain why I needed to talk to her but she just said she had to go. I tried calling her a couple of hours later, but no dice. So I just left her a message. I also got a card with the whole situation explained in it. I left it on her car for her to find later.

OK a few things to explain:
1) She's a hurt lonely woman whose not used to being treated nice or special.
2) She has panic attacks, mood swings, and depression (She's on Xanax)
3) She's older than me by a great deal

So you think I should just wait a few days to call her again and just let the card do it's stuff. I just thought I could turn to her when I was having a crisis, (she was the only one I knew still up at that time). i just want to chalk the whole thing up to a misunderstanding. I know she' s a difficult woman with alot of baggage, but I care about her alot, but if she would just pick up the phone and say "I'm taking care of something right now, could I call you back?" rather that not answer and allow me to keep calling, I'd feel a hell of alot better.

[SSJPabs]

Well I've been involved something similar but you're coming across as way too needy from her point of view. Generally if you can't get her to committ to something as light as a friend when you have troubled times, then run FAR away, a woman I was involved with that was similar helped me mess up my life for several years because of it.

She liked you I think, because she thought you were safe, now you're not so safe and she's not liking that. My advice is to be her friend, and not look to her for emotional support, you've got to be the strong one. Only after you've been friends for a while would I say go to her for support. So I know this may not be what you want to hear, but call in a couple of days or so and leave a message if she's not there and wait for her to call back. When you talk to her, if you can't make progress on what your relationship is to each other, just be friends and try to find someone else.

Er, welcome to TZ by the way.

[byacker1]

Well I've been involved something similar but you're coming across as way too needy from her point of view. Generally if you can't get her to committ to something as light as a friend when you have troubled times, then run FAR away, a woman I was involved with that was similar helped me mess up my life for several years because of it.

She liked you I think, because she thought you were safe, now you're not so safe and she's not liking that. My advice is to be her friend, and not look to her for emotional support, you've got to be the strong one. Only after you've been friends for a while would I say go to her for support. So I know this may not be what you want to hear, but call in a couple of days or so and leave a message if she's not there and wait for her to call back. When you talk to her, if you can't make progress on what your relationship is to each other, just be friends and try to find someone else.

Er, welcome to TZ by the way.

I see what you're saying. I really think that she still has no idea what was going on (she never checks her messages), the issue has been resolved, now I just need to patch things up with her. As far as our relationship goes, we've only grown closer about the last month or so, but have known each other on a casual basis for sometime. I think what it is is that as much or overwhelming an attraction may be, rushing things or pushing things too fast too soon is a major killer in a realtionship. Things have progressed nicely over the last few weeks, but I don't want this one incident to mess things up. I don't call her everyday (I have a life). But if I don't call her for a few days, she asks me why I didn't. But if I call her too much, she gets upset and says how busy she is (she's a single mother, so i understand that much). But if she doesn't let me know how she's feeling, I don't know whether or not to call her or not from day to day. I would give her space anytime she needs it, but she's just got to let me know. I value my space as well. That's why some days I just won't call.

[byacker1]

by the way, she knows about my problems, my "feud" with my parents, my own fears and troubles, that's why we connected because we feel the same way about things. She told me things about herself that no one else has ever known before, and me the same.

[FredNash]

Sound like typical realationship stuff to me... it's like life; when you're in the moment, it's always more important and significant and stressfull than when you're looking back on it three months later and saying "what was the big deal again?"

Let me ask you a question though, why post this here? Not the Cafe, that was the right choice, but I mean at ToonZone? I assume you like toons, it just seems like a funny thing to make your first post about... I'm not trying to put you down, by all means, welcome to tha Zone, I was just curious what brought you here...

[byacker1]

Well, I called her today and worked everything out, she's so understanding and we just went right back to like before. She didn't understand why I kept calling, she didn't get any of my messages, so the whole thing was a big misunderstanding. But I still feel terrible about it, but thats just me. We've slowly gotten closer over the last few weeks, and I don't want to ruin things by rushing, this IS going somewhere. But what do I do from here? When she's at work, she's this very bubbly happy person, but outside she's lonely, depressed and not very motivated to even go outside the house unless she has to. I want to help her so badly, but I know she has to help herself heal before she can enjoy life again. The only thing I can keep doing is just remaining positive around her and maybe some of it will rub off, it works sometimes. But how do you deal with these "walking wounded"? I read in an article that the best thing to do is to be willing to listen and be there for her and help her any way you can.

What I want to know is about this "game" where you don't call for a couple of days in order to wonder why you haven't called then just call her out of the blue. Let me run this down:

The week of Valentines day

Monday-Called her twice
Tuesday-Called her once, talked, tried to get together she couldn't
Wendsday-No call, No see
Late Thursday- Got her a bunch of flowers in her favorite color left it on her doorstep, But no calling
Friday- She loves the flowers, we get together.

Ok, I got her flowers of her favorite color, The next week I suprised her with a Dr.pepper(her favorite drink) in her locker, she was all over me all day. So what should i do next. Tell me if this sounds dumb, but I was wondering if maybe I can take her on a "phone date" where she doesn't have to leave the house and we can just describe to each other what our ideal romatic night would be. Then the next week, we actually try to do what we described. Wouldn't that be a fun thing to do?

But seriously when should I call her next, ladies if I could get an opinion as well on where to take this from the female point of view. How can I bring joy back into this woman's heart?

[Tienshin]

Take a step back, you are WAY to involved at this point. Try not calling for a couple of days...actually several days. Also, a frank discussion about your relationship with your gal pal is definitely in order. The expectations seem way out of whack.

[byacker1]

Take a step back, you are WAY to involved at this point. Try not calling for a couple of days...actually several days. Also, a frank discussion about your relationship with your gal pal is definitely in order. The expectations seem way out of whack.I wasn't going to call her again until late this week/early next week anyway. I got way too many other things to do until I could be available to talk to her.

We already had the "talk". When you're dealing with these kind of women, (emotionally abused in the past). You have to move slowly, not push too hard and just be there to listen. She has to learn to trust realtionships (namely men in general) again. She's been used by guys and friends in general for almost 15 years and told me she's never felt loved or cared for and that everytime she opens herself up, she gets hurt.

So there she's got ALOT of baggage and I don't know how to work through that but I'm trying to find an appropriate balance of attention and space .

[byacker1]

OK Heres the facts about this situation.

She's 35 years old. I'm 19 years old. She has a young daughter who is 6 which makes her closer in age to me than her. She's been married, cheated on, divorced, and heartbroken. I used to just think she was attractive and I had the occasional fantasy thoughts that go along with that, but she had a boyfriend up until 6 months ago. Then we started talking a few weeks ago and she said she felt this strong rapport with me that she hasn't felt with anyone else. Through a few nights of conversation I slowly told her all my innermost thoughts, feelings, and fears and she did the same to me. In fact, we have never told anyone else these feelings except each other. She told me that we were 'meant to meet one another" and that "There's a certain spark between us that she hasn't felt with anyone else" The age thing doesn't bother me that much anymore and I think she's getting used to the idea, but it's scaring her at the same time. She doesn't understand why a young good looking (according to her!) guy would be drawn to someone like her and I feel like she's trying to sabatage the whole thing so she can say "There even he left me!".

[byacker1]

Now get this: She calls me three times today spaced out over 2 minutes a piece. Just wanting to talk to me about her day and mine. We talked for almost three hours and told me again all the things she's feeling inside. Like how she's never been in love before and she feels that connection to me in the same sense of her ex-husband except I'm good and am never in trouble like he was (and BOY did I learn alot about his problems tonight). But I'm 19 years old and she's 35 and with a kid. This woman's falling for me pretty bad it seems all of a sudden. I mean you'd never guess her age by looking or talking to her, but there is just something between us that I can't describe. We're so alike it's ridiculous. the whole thing just feels so right. I am so excited by this I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight and I just want to talk to her some more. Man, I think I'm in love... We're perfect for each other, I don't have any reservations but it's weird, a year ago I was ashamed of liking a 10th grade girl, now I'm going after a 35 year old woman. What should I do? If two people click so well, does age really matter?

[FredNash]

Hey, it's your life, your decision buddy. But like I said, try not to get so uptight about it! Even afew weeks or a month from now little stuff like phone calls will probably be forgotten, or seem alot less important.

just my general experience.

I've also had experience with a girl who calls at all hours of the day and night looking for her boyfriend and basically stalking him, and with crazy/insane boyfriend doing the same thing. Neither of them had anything to do with me, except that I happend to have the misfortune to live with people masochistic enough to be involved with such psychos. Sometimes, it doesn't blow over, but you just have to determine that for yourself, and at what point enough is enough...